HEY!! i have thoughts

I'm sorry Cathy, but that was just weakness on your part

2010-06-24T21:04:00.001-07:00

Your clever song lyrics do not change my mind...if anything they just annoyingly weaken my resolve to stop caring. Yes, I know, his smile can destroy an entire world if it wanted to, but I can't let that world be me. It was almost me. I'm trying to stay strong and withstand the fire. The rules DO apply, never have they applied more. So be quiet silly woman! You gave in to his smile, and look where it got you...I refuse to go down that same path.

Lyrics that I'm referring too:

True: i tend to follow on his stride, instead of side by side, I take his cue. True: but there's no question, there's no doubt, I said I'd stick it out and follow through. And when I do, he smiles, and where else can I go? I didn't know the rules did not apply...

From "A Part of That" from The Last Five Years

Ugh...forget it.

2010-06-21T04:35:00.001-07:00

I was writing out this ridiculously long blog about how boys are dumb and how I'm more dumb for liking them and blah blah blah and then I held the backspace button on my iPod keyboard for too long and and it left the blog writing app and the app apparently doesn't save the blog while you're in the middle of writing it so now it's gone and I don't feel lime going through it again.

So...

2010-06-17T00:17:00.001-07:00

...for the first time in a looonngg time in told a boy that I like, that I like him. (not Jean...haha never that). I was asked outright by Emilio if I liked him (after I retardedly/drunkenly tweeted that I loved him) and I (after thinking of how I would say it) told him that I do indeed have a crush on him. He asked me why...he doesn't think he's good looking poor thing. So I told him that I think he's adorable (something that has been apparent to me since we met in Arizona) and that he's smart, cute, and funny (all true). Aaanndd ummm...we've been texting ever since but that doesn't matter not one bit at all *crosses arms defiantly* (I refuse to get my hopes up [we're possibly hanging out on Friday {shut up}])

Ugh.

2010-06-13T02:36:00.001-07:00

You stupid boy. You don't get it do you? I could be that one, that one that you want. I could love you. I could be there for you. We could be together and we could be happy. But, no, we can't. Because you're blinded by the rules. You're a victim to the society that we are a part of that frowns down upon someone like me. So you won't even look, you won't even try. Fine. But stop complaining about not having what you want, when you could have it if you weren't so stubborn.

I suppose...

2010-06-01T23:45:00.001-07:00

...God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced me to Big Macs when I was 9. He knew that I would get hooked on McDs and that I would get fat because of it. And now, because I'm fat and virtually unattractive, I will never get a boyfriend. Because the world we live in is so shallow. *cliche alert* I have a lot to offer a guy, but I won't ever get the chance because gays are so friggin shallow. I'm not saying I'm not, because I know I can be. But I also know that of I met someone who wasn't the most attractive, or didn't have the best body, but still had a great personality or we had a lot in common I would definitely give them the chance. But other gays, no the won't even give a second glance, they would never consider it...would never consider me. Because there's no way that I could be found attractive, which means there is no way I could be a good boyfriend. Because the two TOTALLY ALWAYS go together.

Sometimes I'm a big idiot

2010-05-26T22:09:00.001-07:00

I do and say things without even thinking. And I do the aforementioned stupid things, I make people mad at me. I really need to start thinking about everything I do and say about 37000 times before I actually do and say them. Maybe that way people wouldn't, like, hate me, and then I would, like, keep friends.

I Wish I Was.

2010-05-25T21:44:00.001-07:00

I wish I was Jaimey, instead of James. Life would be so much easier that way. My obsessive love of boys would be healthy and people would find it endearing, not weird. The extra weight would be ok because I would carry it well and dress just right to make it look good. I would be an awesome alto. People would think I was talented and would want to be my friend. I wouldn't be single, because boys would want me as much as I want them. I would be respected and loved, because as Jaimey, everything I am would be considered normal. I wouldn't fight with my parents because just trying would be enough for them, as long as I was in school and staying out of trouble they wouldn't care about helping out with money here and there.

Yeah, life would be easier if I was Jaimey. But I'm not, and life wasn't made to be easy.

Yet still, I wish I was.

Bad Day

2010-05-17T21:16:00.001-07:00

You almost had an angry blog coming your way but I came home and took a much needed nap and now I'm calm (or groggy...)

But ya today was not one of my better days...I was just frustrated and annoyed throughout the entire day, which sucks cuz I was kinda excited to go back to school today cuz Mondays and Wednesdays are my favorites. Of course I shouldve known that being excited about it would be my downfall.

But like I said I'm fine now. I'm still positive that this is gonna be a good week :)

Certain Things Just Don't Make Sense

2010-05-12T00:19:00.001-07:00

Remember back when I didn't have a job, so most of the time I didn't have any money? And how sometimes I couldn't put gas in my car or buy myself some food?

Those two go together. No job = no money = no gas and/or food

Ok, now do you remember when I was so excited when I got hired by the census? And then when I got rehired at Raging Waters? And do you remember that one day that I missed school for training, and then when I missed a FULL WEEK of school for training? Remember how that was like 3 weeks ago?

Doesn't 2 jobs = some money = some gas and food? And yet somehow I still have no money for gas and food. That doesn't make sense, right?

Ya I didn't think so.

Boys Boys Boys

2010-05-09T21:22:00.001-07:00

Victor: every semester in concert choir there is a boy that catches my eye. It's never anything more than a cute little flirtatious crush but it always happens. This semester it's Victor. For the first part of the semester we sat next to each other and I was always kinda flirty (you know how I do) but I know that nothing is ever gonna come of it. I just think he's a cutie in a weird sorta way.

Emilio: there has been many a tweet about how this boy makes me feel. I just kinda smile when I think about him or when he texts me or when he tweets something witty. I first met him during the two weeks of Star Wars in Concert (still the best 2 weeks of my life) but I didn't really talk to him, I thought he was cute but nothing more than that. But then both of our choirs went on tour together in Arizona and on the last night there was a party and we started talking...it was nice. I realized he was more than cute, he's adorable. Smart, funny, talented. For the first week after we got back from tour we texted back and forth everyday. I kinda got my hopes up but, in my usual fashion, I let it go without saying anything. I sometimes think I'm over it...and then I sometimes think I'm not.

Jean: oh Jean. I can't help it. I used to think we could be perfect together...except for the fact that he's almost devastatingly attractive and I could never be good enough for him. We're both looking for the same thing, to love and be loved and all that. We both want the same kind of relationship. But like I said, I could never be good enough for him. I could try forever, and it would take that long, but I could never deserve someone like him. I went through a phase where I was actually really trying to get to a point where he might be interested but I realized it would never be enough...so I gave up...as usual.

I'm not a whore because I like 3 boys at once. I just see something in all 3 of them that I want, that could make me happy. And I wanna be happy.

Ok so...

2010-05-06T22:35:00.001-07:00

Last night I kinda had a melt down...thus the melodramatic blog. I'm fine. God is working amazingly in my life.

That class that I thought I was gonna fail? I'll be fine. Kate (my history professor) allowed me to make up the exam that I missed no questions asked, even though I didn't exactly follow the procedure that she outlined...and I got an A...woooott!! And Kristina (my Italian professor) decided that, instead of taking the exam I missed in that class, she would just take the average if the first 2...so I got a B without even taking it! Double wooooott!!

And, though I don't know how I did on my theory exam from Wednesday, I feel better about it than I thought I would.

God is seriously so good...you shouldve seen me on Tuesday night...I was a mess! I just knew Wednesday was gonna be terrible...I seriously felt like everything was crashing down! But I prayed about it and He seriously came through big time. PTL indeed :)

Ugh. (life as of 5/5/10)

2010-05-05T22:57:00.001-07:00

While people are graduating college, getting married, and having babies, I'm still at a JC with the prospect of failing my first class ever in the history of my life.

Ugh.

BLOOOOGGG????

2009-12-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

i know! i know! its been 118 years since my last blog...and believe me it hasnt been without a lack of things to blog about.

i think the reason i dont blog so much is because i tend to use twitter.com/boomquiesha_j ;) as a mini-blog to hash out all of my problems big or small.

well, this has been an interesting year to say the least: friends have come and gone, gotten married, had babies, died :(, my family has continued to grow, blah blah blah anything you can think can happen prolly happened to me this year

ive just realized that i love my life. i may not always be content with it, but i love it. i wouldnt trade it but i would fix it figadylme? since when did loving something/one mean that there wasnt anything that you wish was different.

i love my friends and family, but there are things about most of them that i wish were different, and im positive that there are things about me that they wish was different ya?

so ya...love my life but would like to fix it.

i would love to be slimmer...my weight has been fluctuating like crazy...i had settled between 200 and 205 for the pass few months since summer but i feel it going up again...so with the new year im def gonna be focusing more on dropping below 200 and staying there.

i want to fall in love and be loved in return...i know that ive stressed this several times before but being in love is something that is very important to me. i see it all around me and see what it does to people good and bad...i want that...i'll take the bad with the good...im not sure what the point will be. just to say that ive done it i guess?? no. thats not enough. it'll prove that im worth something. which leads me to my next point...

i need someone at Mt. SAC to be my friend...my real friend...the type of friend that i see other people in the choral program have. the type of friend that doesnt forget to invite me when people hang out, as well as the type of friend that sometimes just wants to hang out with me sometime. i should be more specific and say i need someone in Chamber Singers to be that friend. cuz i have Alissa, and JAK, and other people that are my friends, but if you get down to it i spend the majority of my time with chamber...im supposed to be part of the chamber family, but for the past 2 years i have been excluded for reasons that i will never know or prolly understand seeing as how ive never done anything to anyone there but i have singled out as a person to be excluded from the chamber family. so ya...i want that...again, it'll prove that im worth something

of course you might say "what do you mean? youre worth something!" and i would agree

its complicated.

i know i must mean something to someone in the world

i obviously mean something to Jesus and God (seeing as how they keep doing things for me, even though i dont deserve it)

and to my parents and family (something about being blood related does something to people)

but thats not something you can always feel

i want to feel it and i dont think im asking for too much

and as a matter of fact i DO feel it during the summer and winter breaks when my peeps from HS are home...but what about at school. thats where i spend most of my time and energy...i want to feel like im worth something while im there...i wanna feel like i deserve what i get and that i get what i deserve yakno?

there's too much history there for me to describe...if you look through my blogs you might get an idea, but still

the gist of it is that i never feel like im good enough because know one makes me feel like im good enough.

so ya. thats what i want. to feel like im good enough. to feel like im worth it.

needs to get lost in something...

2009-07-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

...cuz my own thoughts arent a good place to be.

idk

i get like this every once in a while...and sometimes im just being too dramatic...

but sometimes im definitely being shat upon.

it seems like no matter what i do...no matter how well i try to do in school, at work (except for not so much at raging waters), or at home it feels like all people do is try to find something to punish me for.

and, i know ive said this before, ive learned to expect it from people in the world...people just arent gonna like me for one reason or another...fine...ok...i got it.

but in my family...oh god my family...it seems like i cant do anything right. and they dont listen to me, so if by chance i am in the right they wont hear it...frustrating isnt it?? yes.

multiple things:
1. my mother...she isconstantly getting on me for one reason or another under the pretense of trying help me become a responsible adult. that might be her true intention...i dont know...but it certainly doesnt feel that way. it feels more like: i make a mistake, i get punished. punished, not taught, punished. for the hell of it. ex. i had a bit of trouble with the car (a whole other story within itself). the situation so wasnt my fault and i did the best i could to handle it...my one major mistake was not telling my mother about it when it happened, thinking it wasnt such a big deal. i apologized for it, multiple times. but that doesnt seem enough. no. now my mother thinks i shouldnt be able to just "take off in the car all willy-nilly" because of what happened. the car whose oil i got changed. the car i clean. the car i put gas in. i cant take it out when i want to because i need to learn how to treat it like i "respect it as [my] own property." if you knew the whole story about what happened you would see how that makes no sense at all...though the fact that i clean it and the oil and all that shit would be enough to tell you that she doesnt make sense.

2. my father...fact is i really should listen to him more instead of just blowin him off...however, a lot of his suggestions are presented as if they are law and i should just do it just because. ex. my father thinks i should put school on the backburner, get a 'real' job, and move out of my mothers house. cuz thats what he did. he left st. louis and never looked back. that worked for him. not me. that wont work for me. but he is constantly bringing it up as if its a crime that i havent done it yet.

3. my sister...which one, you ask? both of them. but for now lets discuss the older one. we have a special bond in that she owes me approx. $225 every other week for the time i put in taking care of her son. every once in a while she likes to decide that she doesnt like how things are done and how there needs to be a change. ex. today is pay day (PTL). she owes me $225 as previously discussed. she has decided that: 1. im not getting the whole thing because one night last week i had me nephew spend the night at his dad's mom's house so i could go out to see the midnight showing of HBP. that is the first time ive ever done that. any other night i stay home dutifully with my nephew...never able to go out or do anything. and 2. we need to rethink the whole arrangement because "there are things happening and things not happening that [she doesnt] like."

4. my extended family (including aunts, uncles, older cousins)...i am apparently a bad son and an all together failure as a person. i dont love and/or appreciate my mother because if i did i would be doing everything that they did for their mothers when they were growing up. ex. (bad son) my uncle came over to do something for my mother in the house and found some things that he thought shouldve been done. it just so happens that those particular things are chores that mother generally takes upon herself to do, a fact that i pointed out to my uncle...shame on me for having my own things to do around the house and at work and not wanting to do extra. i should show my mother i appreciate her by doing every single little thing that i see around the house that needs to be done (right, like i havent done that before.) ex. (failure as a person) why am i wasting my time at mt. sac studying music. im so smart and have so much potential and im wasting it and taking the easy way out. nothing upsets me more than that...really really really...i am searching for the next opportunity to go off on them...ive already done it on one (hmmm...maybe it was my dad)

everything im saying here is true, with the least exaggeration as possible.

so you can see my overall frustration with my life

i dont have much to say besides...

2009-07-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

...i seriously considered suicide for the first time in a while...call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

and not only that but also for not the first time i hoped that something really bad would happen to me to teach other people a lesson...again, call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

tonight was a terrible night...absolutely horrible on a number of levels.

i dont have the energy to go into details...but this night was truly horrible...and when i came home after the events that caused me to leave in the first place...i realized 3 things that only made it worse: 1. he was home and awake. 2. she was awake. 3. my lil sister is an even bigger______ than i thought she was and i cant wait until she leaves.

do with that what you will.

i will say that i have never felt lonelier and more hurt in my life...

i owe two apologies to one person...everyone else can go away.

you brought this on yourself sir.

2009-06-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

i didnt tell you to cheat on your girlfriend. thats something you did all by yourself. and its not like i sought her out. she came to me. she asked me if i saw it. a simple yes or no question. i wasnt going to lie despite what my mother or anyone else says i shoulda done i wasnt gonna pretend like i didnt see anything. i saw it. she asked me. i answered. im sorry sir but you brought this on yourself. so you and your cousin can refrain from coming at me foul. grow up. you made a mistake. deal with it.

dear jesus,

check ya boi cuz he be trippin.

the OTHER self-control fail...

2009-03-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

...i talked to david.

zomg

that is strictly forbidden...

...i know she's gonna find out

and i know she's gonna kill me

shit.

hmmm...

2009-03-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

so yesterday my mother, my sister, and i met with my father at miguels under the pretense of talking about jessicas college options. of course the conversation turned to me and what a bad son i am and how lazy i am and how im wasting my time and intelligence blah blah blah

it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.

however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.

apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy

i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.

and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.

they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary

but again thats not enough for them

and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is

its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong

LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.

i need to get back to my life please...

2009-03-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

these past couple of weeks have not been my life...they have belonged to some boring person with no friends and nothing to do. thats not me. i go places. i do stuff.

but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...

so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx

remember remember the 5th of november...

2009-02-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

...dont worry V its a day i will never forget :)

no jeremy...

2009-02-13T11:45:00.001-08:00

you are not like ryan

you had her heart

she did try to make it work...obviously

she did believe in you

but it wasnt meant to be

i wont have you making her out to be some heartless woman because she broke yours

do it...soon

2009-02-09T01:33:00.000-08:00

handle your shit my love cuz im tired of seeing you like this. we BOTH know how this is supposed to end.

PHAIL!!!

2009-01-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

lol mission (not) accomplished

though i knew already that it wouldnt work

it kinda gave him a tidgin of a freak out and thats always fun

im sure i played it off nicely with my usual "its not always about you"

ca-leh-ver

i know i am thanx

kthanxbye

"dont lead, cuz i wont follow"

2009-01-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

therese...i'm going to live by these words

not just when it comes to my mother and father

but also to my aunts, uncles, and older cousins

but also to my "peers" at school

i WILL be myself so dont judge me or try to change me

i yam who i yam and thats all that i yam

get used to it or get gone

reunited and it feels so good

2009-01-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

back at school today...woot!

i missed chamber and were singing some amazing music this semester

saw some people that i missed and then that one guy that its always nice to see ;)

have a cool speech professor: young, funny, not ugly

and i have the class with one of my best friends so that always makes things better

yay

how low can you go?

2008-12-31T01:24:00.000-08:00

my life is in limbo right now.

i have absolutely nothing going for me right now.

i need a job.

i need to finish school.

i need some stability.

i have goals.

but how close am i to achieving them?

i thought i was on the right track but i feel everything slipping away.

i wont be able to stay in school if i dont get a job soon

but if i get a job it'll cut into my school time and so i'll have to cut back on school

thus delaying my departure from mt sac to sfsu? msu?

more things to figure out.

i do know one thing though: alissa.

does that make sense to you?

it does to me.

alissa.

i love her.

she is the one steady thing in my life.

my ultimate best friend.

and she's home.

does it make me selfish that i never want her to leave?

or that wherever she is i kinda wanna be there too?

i could follow...him...to san francisco but would i be happy?

i dont know

the feelings i have might only get stronger and ummm...unrequited love sucks in case you didnt know.

so back to alissa.

i would be happier wherever she is because she is constant.

i know if we do go together to msu we would end up running the place by week 2 lol

but ya

i have decisions to make

and things to do.

first on the list: job.

ready...set...go

im SOOOO over...

2008-12-23T23:50:00.001-08:00

...my mother coming in the house complaining about anything and everything.

if youre tired then come home say hello and then go to bed

thatsall you have to do

nothing else

im not sure what you think phrases such as "i want my garage cleaned and your shit out of my house tomorrow" will accomplish

especially since i already cleaned your fucking garage

maybe if you didnt have so much crap in there it wouldnt look so messy

youre fault

we were SUPPOSED to have a garage sale that you canceled at the last minute

so dont come in here yelling at me about a messy garage

find someone else to antagonize

good day!

...him...

2008-12-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

i like him...cant help it

ive been telling myself since forever that i shouldnt waste my time

im just chasing pavements basically (im listening that song right now and its perrrrrfect)

so ya

i was kinda over it until recently when he came out to me

i swear i felt my heart skip a beat when he told me

but i know im not his type...he's basically been telling me non-stop for the past ummm...forever

ya

thats my semi-rant of the day

THANK GOD!!!

2008-12-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

this semester is finally over!!!

no school and my favorite people in the whole world are coming home!!!

life can truly get not better

well yes it can but were not gonna get into that right now

anywho i am very happy to be done with fall '08

i still think about him...

2008-11-30T15:12:00.001-08:00

...a lot.

i still try to figure out what happened

what went wrong??

i still need closure

and what hurts most of all is thinking about what could have been...

ive been pretty blog-challenged lately...

2008-11-28T23:53:00.000-08:00

...and for that i am very sorry.

its not that im busy i just lost my passion for this thing

but its time to repassionize myself because this is the best way for me to convey whats going on in my life to my two favorite girls (and whoever else might stumble across my blog)

ummm...life is great (great is to read with great sarcasm)

school is whatever...academically at least

i go to my classes...i do my homework...blah blah blah

choir is a whole other story.

i love singing in chamber...its amazing of course...just as i always dreamt it would be

im working hard to be the best i can be and its becoming very overwhelming but i guess that comes with the territory

i still put up with a lot of crap but i guess i can handle it

idk

i dont really know what to blog about

i promise to start updating you guys whenever anything happens and all that

at least weekly

i love you more than i did last time i blogged

How I Am (my life as of 11/11/08)

2008-11-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

im sure you have been wondering where ive been since my last angry blog

truth is ive been kinda neglecting my blog because i feel melodramatic sometimes

i feel like im complaining

but i know its necessary for me to update you on my life because i know that those of you that read this blog love me and care about me and want to know how i am

so here goes:

im still alive

that's definitely saying something considering i have been feeling like sometimes its not worth it

for a time those feelings happened almots daily but i always shut them down quickly

it would be ridiculous for me to take my own life just to spite some people.

maybe i should explain why i would want to spite certain people...

i am a member of the Mt. San Antonio College Chamber Singers as you well know

there's more to being a chamber singer than singing great music under the direction of a great conductor.

first of all there's tour

this year were touring to New York to perform in the legendary Carnegie Hall and then on to Maryland to do an exchange with the Towson University Choir where Katie Finaldi sings

tour costs money

money is somethig thats hard to come by these days so i have no clue how im gonna pay for it and im pretty close to telling Mr. Rogers to just take me off of the list

i just dont hope that he doenst have to kick me out of the group because of it

though i doubt very many people would care

which leads me to my next probelm with chamber singer life

i am quite nearly the most disliked person in chamber

if not the most disliked then certainly the most ignored and the most talked about (behind my back that is)

i have had to come to terms with that and is has been very hard

people just find me annoying and they dont like me

no one has really taken the time to get to know me at all

of course i have made some friends

i have Stephanie who has been my best friend over the past year

and Melissa also

but they both have their lives and i can't really spend the time with them that i would like to

and ive met Kathy Medina and Sarah Salazar and Amanda Woods and they're really sweet girls

but Kathy and Amanda have their new boyfriends and Sarah has her life

and Lawren

and you already know the drama with Lawren

things are better now but im a lil wary of letting myself get too attached again

i think i have to clarify something: I have friends and i love them and they love me

but you i think you can see how this can very reminiscent of my senior year in mads

i try to be a good person and be nice and friendly to everyone and it ends up blowing up in my face

the only thing thats missing is ME blowing up in THEIR faces

ive grown up

thats not gonna happen again

ive learned my lesson

my friend DeSean thinks that they moght need to hear from me but i never did want them to know that im hurting

DeSean took it upon himself to try to fix it

and i love him for that

but still i was really gonna bear the burden and work through it

of course im not sure how long i couldve done it

GOD put it on DeSean's heart to help before it became too much for me i guess

ugh

my intention was to give you an update on my life and i dont think i was successful

i guess you can just walk away with this:

im still alive and i love and miss you everyday

what exactly was your motivation?

2008-10-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

ugh

i hate stupid people and the stupid things they do

im not sure why they do the things they do

is it entertaining for them?

it must be

there has to be some reason why they continue to perform acts of pure stupidity

ugh i wish it didnt bother me so much but i cant help it, it just does

and its not like there's anything i can do about it

believe me ive tried

ugh i guess im stuck

as long as people continue to be stupid, i'll continue to be annoyed

sometimes i wonder why i even bother...

2008-10-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

...being nice to people and being people's friend and being there for people and doing stuff for people

its a waste of time

all they end up doing is leaving you when its most convenient for them.

they use you and use you and suck you dry of emotion and everything else they cant get their grimey paws on until there's nothing left, and then they just move on as if you dont exist, as if you didnt give them your heart and soul

where do they get off?

where does she get off?

where do you get off lawren donahue in treating people like that?

wasnt i there for you?

didn't i stay up into all hours of the night trying to help you make sense of your life?

didnt i wake up in the middle of the night or drop whatever i was doing because you called me and needed to talk about something?

wasnt i more concerned about whether or not you did well at call backs than i was for myself?

i just dont understand it

i dont know who you think you are, who you think i am

this isnt right

but i suppose i have to learn a lesson from this

and its the same lesson that ive been learning all of my life

the same lesson that even you tried to help me learn (guess i shouldve gotten then huh)

not everyone that says they are my friend is my friend...even you

havent you always said to me "things arent always what they seem?"

ya well i guess you were talking about yourself werent you

so i suppose i'm the fool in this one

wait

im always the fool it seems

so this really shouldnt be a surprise to anyone

im done

i think im gonna go to bed

sad right?

i know

but like ive said before: sometimes emotional stress can tire you out more than physical stress

hmmm...interesting concept.

2008-10-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

did you just threaten to delete me for posting too many bulletins?

interesting.

do it.

and as cliche and childish as this might sound: see if i care.

epilogue to the scream.

2008-09-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

after i had my little blog of screamage i feel like ive lost all emotion.

i think the reason why this day has been kinda decent is because i havent really felt anything

this entire day has been just whatever, tuesdays are whatever by nature in my life. but i think the added whateverness of today is due to the fact that ive been emotionally whatever.

maybe its because i went through a day so full of emotion that i needed a day of emotional rest

well i got it

and what for?

is it in preparation for another emotional day?

oh God i hope not

i dont know how many more days like yesterday i can handle''

ugh

im still alive

i need to scream

2008-09-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did you hear that?

im sure you could hear it in your head

that how i feel right now

im sure it would suffice to say that the past 24 hours have been some of the worst ive ever experienced

im not exaggerating

there was a funeral and a test i wasnt ready for and everything

so the emotions that i felt in the previous two blogs that i posted last night followed me into today

i didnt want to wake up this morning but of course i had to

got up about a half hour late

there was traffic on the streets on two of the three freeways that i take to school

needless to say i got to school late

i simply didnt want to be there at all

but i had to

i had the test and the funeral to go to

so i was there

after my test i went and practiced music for about an hour before concert choir then chilled with some friends before concert choir started

i guess that wasnt so bad...actually it was good...the highlight of my day now that i think about it

then concert choir...which was just whatever

but something happened during concert choir that would end up set off a series of events that would make my day even worse

i got a call from a friend and fellow chamber singer chris d'amico asking what time the funeral was and to ask mr mac if there would still be fermata rehearsal because of the funeral

i go back to class and ask mac and he says he's not sure yet so i wait until after concert choir and ask him again

he tells me to tell meeko (chris d'amico) and k-shan (kevin shannon, another fellow chamber singer and the student director of fermata nowhere) not to worry about it

sidebar: i hate this day...i really really do

anyways so i call meeko again and tell him that mac says not to worry about going to fermata cuz he wants people to go to the funeral

while this is going on my friend DeSean is complaining because he wants to still have fermata rehearsal

so i tell him dont worry about it you can still practice your music but the funeral is more important to some people

at this point avi is there standind across from me giving me an angry look

avi: "are you in fermata james? no. so be quiet you dont have any say in this."

i look at him confused

and apparently im not the only one

desean: "are you serious?"

avi: "yes. he's not in fermata so he doesnt have any say he should just shut up"

me: "avi what are you talking about? you dont even know whats going on."

avi: "yes i do."

me: "no you dont"

and this goes on for a little until he walks away

im still confused, a lil angry, and very hurt.

my friend kathy medina sees whats going on and is as confused as i am

kathy: "what was that all about?"

me: "i dont even know."

i explain the situation

kathy: "i dont get it. why was he overreacting like that?"

me: "i dont know. i need to get out of here. i cant handle this right now."

i walk out to go my voice lesson and in the hallway is a group of people surrounding avi

i catch a snippet of what he's saying but when he sees me he stops

avi: "hey james, thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

me: "what're you talking about? i wasnt trying to cancel fermata."

avi: "yes you were. thanks a lot for trying to cancel fermata

me: "what the hell? you dont even know what you're talking about."

people are giggling...i dont get whats so funny

avi: "thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

i walk away...i cant even handle this right now

i go my voice teachers office

steve always seems to know when something is wrong with me...always

steve: "whats the matter?"

me: "what do you mean?"

steve: "whats wrong with you?"

me: "nothing. just stressing out. can we make this quick i have a funeral to get to."

steve of course knows that im more than "just stressing out" so he just sits there and stares

i become overcome with emotion and i sit down on the floor and call kathy...the only person that i could think of

while im talking to her steve justs sits there and watches

i hang up

steve: "do you wanna just do two lessons next week?"

me: "i cant i already missed last week."

steve: "i know we'll do two next week and two the week after that."

me: "are you sure?"

he's sure

me: "thank you, i'll see you next week."

i go back to the choir room to see if kathy is still there

she is

i ask her to walk with me to car

she does

we walk in complete silence all the way down the parking lot

i make my way to the funeral stressing out

by the time i get there i know that its time for me to let go of my own problems and go support the family

even though funerals are sad by nature this one was very uplifting

matt orr was a very special person

after i leave the funeral i make my way to my cousins house because she needs me to drive her somewhere

even though i get to her place at like 5 we dont end up leaving until 9 because i end up falling asleep

funny how emotional stress can tire you out more than physical stress sometimes

as were making our way to our destination my cousin gets a call from my younger sister jessica

jessicas usual ride to school is unable to give her a ride and she wants my cousin to drive her

my cousin cant do it cuz she wont be in corona in the morning

shannie (my cousin): "...but maybe JR (thats me) will do it."

me: "i wont. she can walk. i had to walk. wendy (my older sister) had to walk. she can walk."

shannie: "she's probably gonna call your mother. you cant tell your mother that."

me: "you wanna bet? i'll tell my mother the same way i told you."

shannie: "well let me call your mother before she does."

she calls my mom and informs her of the situation

my mom wants to talk to me

mom: "do you have children?

me: "ummm...no"

i dont see the point

mom: "why would you say that you wont give your sister a ride to school?"

me: "because she doesnt need one. i had to walk. wendy had to walk. she can walk"

mom: "you act like you cant do me this one favor"

me: "thats not doing you a favor. that for jessica. she.can.walk"

mom: "well if you cant do me this one favor then if you ask me to do you a favor you know what the answer is gonna be"

me: "this has nothing to do with favors this is just another way to punish me for not doing something for your precious little baby"

we go back and forth for a little bit but apparently she doesnt wanna talk about it anymore and hangs up

ive come to the realization that my mother loves my sister more than she loves me.

not that she doesnt love me at all

she just loves jessica more

all of the signs point me to that conclusion

i cant see any other answer.

there are two other factors to why this day sucked but i really dont want to get into them

this blog is long enough

im done

damn

2008-09-29T01:23:00.001-07:00

this really hurts

i dont know how to handle this

im just remembering that this crap didnt start at mt sac

karen garrett never even thought that i was talented enough and she is the one who "gave me my start"

damn

what am i supposed to do

what do you do when you remember that the person that was supposed to believe in you the most didnt believe in you at all

damn

damn

im done

2008-09-29T00:58:00.001-07:00

its funny how stupid lil things can make you examine your entire life

tonight when i went to mcdonalds i ordered a mcchicken with extra mayo but instead i got a mcchicken with NO mayo

they did it on purpose

lack of respect

that sent me spiraling down a path thinking of all the people in my life right now that dont respect me for no reason...because they think they're better than me in some way.

they treat me like im not worth their time

its really frustrating because ive spent so much time working so hard and its come to nothing

what do i have?

im in chamber singers...whats the use in that if there are people standing on all sides of me who think i dont deserve it

i know it shouldnt matter but the fact of the matter is that it does...it does matter...it matters because it hurts...it hurts so badly...so badly that i cant help but to think about it...and then when i think about it, it just hurts more

i dont know if i can deal with this

is it all worth it?

what makes it worth it?

chamber singers is great and its an amazing opportunity and a great kick down my career path

but its hard to remember that the future will be brighter when the present is so dark

ugh

i dont know what the point of all of this is

i dont want to quit chamber

i just need to be sure that putting up with all of this for the next 3 years is going to be worth it

is it really going to matter

are people really gonna care when it comes down to it

ive spent all of this time trying to convince everyone else that i made a good decision but i guess i wasnt even really convinced

no

scratch that

i was sure

i was convinced

i just didnt know it would be like this

but we ever really know what its gonna be like?

no

no

no i dont think we do.

i dont know

some things arent supposed to happen...but they do...they just do

2008-09-26T01:57:00.000-07:00

grief just kinda washed all over me all of sudden.

i had spent about two hours avoiding reading the bulletin that momma orr posted...i dont know why i was avoiding it i just was

and then i read it and i cant recall ever being more confused

i point blank refused to believe what i read

so i did some myspace investigating

still didnt believe it

called brittanyshe didnt answer, i didnt expect her to...its late

i still didnt believe it

but then i read something that forced me against my will to believe it

brittany's bulletin

momma's status

i cant handle this right now

i never knew matt personally but so what

i know his mother and his sister and i love them almost as if they were my own

their pain is my pain...only their pain must be 150000000 times worse

this will be the fourth person under 30 that ive known that has died in four months

its just too much

its more and more proof that we never know the day nor the hour

GOD has a will and its always being done for our betterment...thats the only comfort i can find in all of this

to the orrs:i love you with all my heart, and you are in my thoughts and prayers

so i found out today...

2008-09-15T21:42:00.001-07:00

...that you are one of those grimey people thats fake to my face and talks about me behind my back

great

glad we cleared that one up

cuz when i heard that people were talking about me i immediately ruled you out as a suspect

only to find out that you are

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

now i know

the thing i sacrificed...

2008-09-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

...i think will effect my overall happiness this semester.

i sacrificed being in Frontline this semester...i loved being in Frontline last year and i love singing jazz

i gave up being in frontline this semester because i wanted to be student director for concert choir and thought i would get the position

how wrong i was

and now i wanna be in frontline and i cant because i mac wants to keep me in as tenor section leader...oh great

im sure id much rather be in frontline

but the only other alternative for tenor section leader is joseph arselan...if your in concert choir that name makes you shudder kinda...i certainly did when mac told me he was the only other option

i didnt wanna leave the tenors in that state...poor babies

AND mac chose a song for frontline that ive been wanting to sing forever and ive always wanted to audition for this solo

you know what

i think i might just say eff concert choir and do frontline

ugh

i dont know

oh meh

2008-09-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

my throat hurts

that is not a good thing

i got ish to do with this here voice of mine and i dont need no viruses messin this up

time for tea

my current situation reprise

2008-08-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

i didnt get the student conductor position...it sucks but what can you do

i have to focus on the good things in life

1. i am gonna be the tenor section leader for concert choir

2. i have some amazing new friends already

3. i dont have to pay for my own gas anymore...thank GOD and mom and shannie

4. im effing sarah reilly...oh wait...nevermind (inside joke...dont try to get it)

5. im in chamber singers!!!!!

its still gonna hurt a lil bit when he announces it and i get to see the looks of shock on everyone's face and get the sympathy and crap

i just have to remember those five things...plus all the other blessings that GOD has given me...and everything should be just fine :)

my current situation

2008-08-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

well the new year has finally started and i'm so excited!

im finally getting things together academically as far as the classes i need to take to transfer. its gonna take me longer than i anticipated but im in no way in a rush to leave mt sac

im finally in chamber singers and i want this feeling to last forever

ive met some amazing new people: katy, amanda, and the sarahs, and gotten to know some of the old ones better :)

we found out that were going on tour to New York to sing in Carnegie Hall!! woot! im so excited cuz i was just thinking to myself about how amazing it would be to sing at carnegie hall with the chamber singers and now its actually going to happen!! and whats more concert choir is coming with us so that means JAK and BEE get to come too!!!

from NY were heading to DC for a concert there and then from there to Maryland to see Katie and do an exchange with her choir out there

all in all this is going to be a rather exciting year!

however, there's always one thing to ruin excitement

i want to be student conductor for concert choir

according to the rules of being a student director for a mt sac choir you have to have passed Mr. Rogers conducting course the semester before

i was the only RETURNING member that took the course...and i passed with an A

however it has come to my attention that a former concert choir member who is also in chamber singers is also up for the position. He was in conducting with me last semester as well as concert choir but he was only in concert choir because he HAD to be and is not enrolled in concert choir now.

it has also come to my attention that Mr MacIntosh (the director of concert choir) has been pressuring this person to join concert choir so that he can have the student director position.

this person does not necessarily want to do it...he already has an assistant director position at his old high school and he doesnt even like concert choir to begin with.

he could of course give in to Macs pressure and take the job, but my hope is that he will realize that there are other people who actually want it...who have indeed sacrificed certain things in order to have the position...and hopefully Mac will see that too

i was gonna wait for 3 months...

2008-08-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

...and then i told myself and you that i gave up

turns out i havent

ive been waiting for 6months

whats gonna happen now?

markrissa!

2008-08-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

i effing love you guys soooo much!!!!!!!

thatsall.

im gonna say it again and this ones for you

2008-08-19T19:27:00.001-07:00

i will NOT just tell you what you wanna hear

im gonna bring you back down whether you wanna hear it or not

hang up on me all you want to

be angry

but im not gonna back down because you dont wanna hear it

you wanna end it now?

ok then

it'll hurt but i'll get over it

you wanna stick with the plan and be best friends and help each other out throughout the year

good

nothing will make me happier

i'm sorry if i offended you...that was not my intention

ok i think im done

somethings not right....

2008-08-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

im not sure whats going on but i dont like it.

im awake now...and next week cant come soon enough

2008-08-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

my attempt to sleep away what was bothering me only worked for about two hours, now im probably gonna end up staying awake for the rest of the night...great...just what i need when i have to get up for work in the morning

i really need school to start, like ASAP

im tired of being shut up in this hole

i miss my friends

i miss singing/choir

i miss steph and laurens apartment...even though they dont live there anymore

i miss katie...even though she wont be there anymore

i miss mr mac :)

i just need to get out of here

im so done

2008-08-16T18:55:00.001-07:00

im going to bed.

i have an announcement to make

2008-08-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

im changing my tactics

so if you only want someone to tell you what you wanna hear then i suggest you dont come to me

cuz im gonna tell you like it is

deal with it or peace out

omg i miss it sooooo much

2008-08-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

i miss working at disneyland

it was pretty much the best job ever

and because of some weird technical crap that...again...was not my fault

i cant go back

cuz if it wasnt for the weird technical crap i would so be back there in october

say im weak if you want to but YOUVE never worked there and you dont know how amazing it is

i miss it

it was like my life

maybe i can find a way around the weird technical crap

oh burning nipples :)

2008-08-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

today was absolutely amazing!

alissa, markis, therese and sara(h) arrived at my house at about 12 to start our day of beach funness

as i get ready to leave they all get acquainted with shantell and wendy who were in the garage getting high...joy

apparently reesie and sara enjoy getting high too, as well as markis

so they each take a puff out of shantell's pipe before we leave

"you take a puff too moon" --Wendy

"No" --Me and Shannie

so afterwards we head to albertsons where we spot kristin's father, richard long, and matt, who works there

sarah graciously pays for me and markis' snacks, therese pays for lissa's

and on to the beach we go

when we get there we do the usual beach things

swim, body surf, nap, walk, take pictures, and of course...look at boys

oh the boys were particularly good today...if your lucky i'll show you a picture :)

after about 5 hours we head out, making another stop at the local albertsons where therese gets some medicine of some sort (advil? benedryl?), i use the bathroom, and sara changes

on the way out the most amazing thing happens

"markis you might wanna be on this side of the wall" --Therese

"why?"--Markis

"just do it!"--Therese

so as markis changes sides of the wall and sarah and i are exiting the store a parade of about five or six shirtless beauties walk in, o--phelia

the best looking of which bumps inton me, makes eye contact, and apologizes (lissa just got eye contact and a smile, i totally win, no matter what the random lady says)

great success!

from there we drive around looking for any random in-n-out to eat at and somehow end up at the block in the oc, by this time therese and sara have begun using a british accent

after walking around for a tad we find ourselves in the big vans store with the skate park in it

we stay to watch the skaters fall for a while the decide its time to eat

we end up in carls jr and as we eat we explain to sarah, a native texan, the joys of being a californian in socal

and therese decides she wants to get her lips pierced

**nods head** "I do not want to be an accomplice in this" --Therese immitating her cousin Desi

after looking unsuccesfully for a place in the block to achieve this we decide to find it somewhere else

by this time we're ALL using british accents, except markis, whos using a french accent

as we walk to the car we get stopped by two random guys who are in a band, we buy a five dollar cd to support the local band...the cd was crap

after driving around for about 20 minutes, singing loudly to people on the street, we find a random tatoo place in cypress? garden grove? ktf

still using our british/french accents, we tell the man that therese wants her lip pierced

great success!

$40 well spent indeed

no drinking, smoking, making out, or blow jobs for a while :)

as we drive home we decide to yell random things out of the window at people we see on the street...the best being "MY NIPPLES ARE BURNING!!"

it was a great night

love and stuff,

B.A.J

i gotta say, today was a good day

2008-08-09T22:16:00.001-07:00

celebrated my great grandmothers 98th birthday

such a blessing to still have her in my life

so a whole bunch of people that i dont usually get to see

krystal and jherina: love you girls

and met some new people :)

isnt it sad when you have cousins youve never met before :)

i love my family!!

this changed my life and i want to share it with you

2008-08-05T23:08:00.001-07:00

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARAK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialouge with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was FIrst Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.....

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "This" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "Other Side" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "Current" problems before adding "New" problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn form his mistakes and take falls, which is part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road....

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken to cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was mislead about the chicken's intentions, I am not for it and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed i've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you'll become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBRA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced as serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR:

...I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned...

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released CHICKEN2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an internal part of the CHICKEN. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#)U%)(#Q%*.......

reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun!

its after 5am

2008-08-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

and im still awake

usually i wouldnt mind it so much cuz i could just sleep all day

but no

not today

today i have to get up (in 5 hours) for work

i probably wont work past 5 or 6 but still

mine is a job that you shouldnt go to after only a few hours of sleep yakno?

however i dont think im gonna be going to sleep anytime soon

im not tired you see

so ya

theres my lil spiel

love and stuff,

B.A.J

so...

2008-08-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

i deleted my truth box but not before i read my truths since ive never read them before

i got one that made me cry and i dont know what to do about it

it said "i really hope you dont make chamber singers because youre really fucking annoying"

even though i made chamber it really hurts that someone took the time out of my day to say something like that

and whats more they said it before call backs

thank GOD i didnt see it then...i dont know what i wouldve done if i saw it before call backs

and to know that there is someone out there in chamber right now that really feels that way

and i'll never know who that person is

i'll be damned...

2008-08-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

...if what im thinking is actually reality

i could be looking too far into this

besides his is really cool

thats why i love him :)

but that would make me angry/jealous/hurt

but alas what can you do

we'll just wait

love and stuff,

B.A.J

william terrence fitzgerald!

2008-08-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

saturday was fun

is that all you need to know?

no?

must you have details?

fine

so the original plan: J.A.K (james anna kelsey) hang out all day in corona on friday

james has to pick up a shift for someone at chili's

fun day changed to saturday

james invites markis and alissa

james invites danny

what to do?

movies

the mummy?

"eh not really" --Anna

mamma mia

"fuck no" --Danny

dark knight?

"ive seen it" --everyone

BEACH

planned

wake up saturday morning

"blah blah blah stuff later" --Anna

"blah blah blah stuff happening"--Kelsey

anger/frustration/demand to have my way

anna kelsey and danny come for a lil bit to hang out then kelsey and anna leave and james markis and danny go to beach

plan

executed

happy james

drive to newport beach

siren

"am i seriously being pulled over?"--James

"blah blah blah cracked windshield"--Policewoman

ticket given

siren

"are you serious??"--everyone

"do you know why im pulling you ever?"--Policeman

"no"--james

"blah blah blah cracked windshield"--Policeman

"but i just got one"-- james

"really? from this city?"-- Policeman

"yupp"-- James

"oh ok you can go then"-- Policeman

BEACH!

the wedge

big waves

body surfing

wave steals lissas shirt

haha

tired

hungry

wet

sandy

back to corona

change

diamond bar

chilis

alissa bday?

kill stephanie?

sing happy birthday

glendora

the hat

ugh

KERMIT THE FROG!

lets leave

drive around the glendora/covina/azusa area

in a circle

scary movies

12:30am

"im tired"--Danny

take him home

back to corona

I LOVE YOU! speech given

talk for a lil while longer

exhausted

bed

ophelia marie gonzales

love and stuff,

B.A.J

i want to fall in love

2008-08-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

i realize ive never really truly been in love and i want to know what it feels like

i see it all around me all the time

i see the things that people that are in love do

i hear what they say

i want to do those things

to say those things

to hear those things said to me

i want to fall in love

i want someone to fall in love with me

im tired of waiting

...and every road i walk will take me down to the sea...

2008-07-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

so...idk...i just kinda wanted to blog...about anything/nothing

i finally got a response out of sydney

she still loves me and wants to hang out next week

i guess she just stays busy with school (she was in summer school at RCC)

i cant blame her

i should be as busy as she is

but i guess im not as desperate to get out

i have some good things going for me

chamber singers being first and foremost

and stephanie being high up on that list

i love her/she needs me/she loves me/i need her

anyways

i feel like im going the right pace for me

fast is the right pace for some people

slow and steady is gonna win this race though

i feel like im doing exactly what i need to do to be successful

"why?" one might ask "why is this exactly what you need to do to be successful"

katie finaldi

she is my example

its not hero worship

though she did say once that i have a "problem" with that

she wants to do exactly what i want to do with my life...she's just several steps ahead of me...age does that

so im using her as an example and im taking her advice...which is why im at mt sac...which is how i got into chamber

so...no...not hero worship...just following her example...its a good example

i do respect her a lot

she demands it without demanding it

she gets it from me for who she is

for who she is becoming

no matter what some people might say about her...they dont really know her...does anyone really though??

ive known her for a lil over 5 years and i cant even say that i KNOW her

idk

ramble ramble blah blah blah

love and stuff,

B.A.J

my frustration

2008-07-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

i am a humongous flirt...i may not always no when im flirting with someone because it just happens naturally but i do know when im being flirted with

so if your straight/taken...and have no intention of making good on your flirtation...DONT FLIRT WITH ME!...it gets annoying when i get my hopes up and you let me down

if i wasnt so tired i would cry...

2008-07-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

...im even too tired to post this blog

so here's the gist of it:

one of my very first friends of high school was a lovely girl by the name of Sydney Noelle Dever

we stayed best friends all throughout high school

she went to uci, i went to mt sac

and we havent seen each other since

goodnight i think i might die from exhaustion

love and stuff,

B.A.J

my day (with my thoughts on mike in parantheses)

2008-07-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

so

today

WAS GREAT!!!!

woke up at about 10:45 to get ready for work

im ready to go and on the road by 11:20

stop for gas

on the freeway

at work and ready to clock in by 12:05

claim my tips

try to clock in

not successful

try again

not successful

once more

not successful

knock knock on the managers office

no answer

turn around

"Nicole!!"

"Wassup"

"Im not on drugs am i?"

"what do you mean?"

"i work today right?"

"well let me check"

she checks

"youre not on my lunch roster, let me check the dinner one"

she checks

"youre not on the dinner one either"

"are you serious?!?"

"you can check the one up front"

i go up to the host stand

"do you have the roster"

"the roster?"

"here it is"

"omg i really dont work today"

"seriously?"

"ya, im so retarded"

"haha"

"well i dont wanna leave...maybe i'll eat"

i try everyone that i can think of to come eat with me

"no one can come!"

"im sure you can find someone, try lauren" (this is mike...mike is cute...i like mike)

"i dont have lauren's number"

"here take my phone" (mike is cute...i like mike)

i call lauren and relay my funny story and extend a lunch invitation

she's busy

"can lauren come?" (stop being cute...didnt i hate you last week?....ya i did until i was about to go home and then you started being cute...ok)

"no shes busy"

"why dont you wait for someone to go on lunch and you can eat with them?" (like...you perhaps...no youve probably had your lunch already)

"i'm gonna try this person that i really dont wanna try"

the person is danny

danny is out of town til friday

lawren texts me back...finally

she just got out of class and is available to meet me at chili's

by this time ive been there for about 45 minutes already...talking to mike (mike is cute...)

"yay i found someone!"

"the person you didnt wanna try?"

"nope...actually the first person i tried"

"oh thats cool...you want me to seat you now? where do you wanna sit?" (aww youre so cute)

"hmmm nicole's section is full...and so is genessis...what about michelle? does she have any open tables?"

"ya...want me to seat you now? i'll save it for you if you wanna wait" (arent you precious? of course i wanna wait...)

"i think im gonna go to my car real quick"

i drop of my arpon and change into my flip flops

"so why do all of your friends live out here if you live in corona?" (oh you are adorbale you are)

" i go to mt sac"

"oh whatre you taking this fall" (awww you wanna know all about me)

i tell him what im taking

"oh musics your thing huh?"

"yupp...its my major"

"what do you do?"

"sing"

"whats your favorite song to sing right now?"

"you wouldnt know if i told you"

"well sing it for me" (cute but no)

"ummm...no"

"why not?"

"i dont like to sing by myself"

"i dont get it...you like to sing but not by yourself?"

"well ya...i sing in a choir"

"is your friend thats coming a singer too?"

"ya"

"well there you go then" (again...cute but no)

"ummm...no"

lawren arrives

we eat and talk and talk and talk

then we pay

then i walk her to her car and we talk and talk and talk

we finally stop talking after about 2 hours at about 4...she has stuff to do

i go back inside with the intention of getting a schedule using the bathroom and leaving

i end up staying at chili's for another hour talking to various people but mainly lauren [notice the change in spelling] and mark [not mike]

i finally leave a lil after 5pm

after being at chili's for 5 hours without working

perfect day :)

love and stuff

B.A.J

what i just realized

2008-07-24T02:41:00.001-07:00

being in chamber singers does NOT make me any cooler or any more popular...it doesnt matter...they wont like me anymore than they do/dont already and i wont get invited to anymore of their fun fun funny funtime parties except for the ones associated with being in chamber singers

the friends that i have now are still gonna be my only friends...some of those friends are chamber singers and thats cool...but i shouldnt expect any of the old people to suddenly change how they feel about me just because i made a choir

will i make new friends? quite possibly...the new people coming into mt sac have no real impression of me so we'll just have to see

love and stuff,

B.A.J

the life and times of LD and DJ

2008-07-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

they have a regular relationship

with regular problems

because they're regular people

he's guarded and hides his emotions

she wont allow herself to be happy

see...regular

its just more interesting to me because i know EVERYTHING...yikes

a most glorious weekend pt. 2

2008-07-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

i dont feel like going into detail about the rest of the weekend cuz that would take too long

know this though:

it was the most amazing weekend ever

saturday being the best day for many reasons

and me and danny texted all day on sunday

thatsall

love and stuff,

B.A.J

the conversation i just had with myself

2008-07-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

myself: why are you really jealous? is it because bruce has danny or is it because danny has someone like bruce?

I: both

UGH!!!!

2008-07-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

BUT HE'S OLD!!!!!

HE'S OLD OLD OLD!!!

and HE'S NOT EVEN REALLY ATTRACTIVE!!!!

UGH!!!

YOU SHOULD BE WITH ME INSTEAD!!!!

ok thats my rant for the day

a most glorious weekend pt. 1

2008-07-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

the amazingness started at about 11:00 pm friday evening when i showed up to kelsey's dad's house after working a 7 hour shift at chili's.

i was tired...yes indeed...7 hours at chili's isnt something that can be done with ease...and i decided not to eat so i was running on an empty stomach...but all was well...some of my favorite people were all crammed into one place

Anna, Kelsey, Aaron, Tom, and Johnny: my G-town peeps

it was a celebration of kelsey's 19th bday and it was to be a most glorious weekend

so as i said it started when i showed up at kelsey's dad's. everyone was a lil tired because they had spent all day in palm springs swimming and such and i of course had been working

anyhow...we were tired but this weekend was not for sleeping

after being introduced to kelsey's stepmother and uncle i chilled with everyone else in the family room basically just talking about nothing

after a while we decided to play a game called picture phone...which is kinda like telephone...except with pictures...obviously

so we played that and it was HILARIOUS!!! probably my new favorite game to play with friends...up there with big booty and pornstars lol :)

i should mention here that kels' stepmother has a very expensive mac computer that she doesnt like other people to use...so of course we used it to take about a hundred pictures of ourselves...check my myspace

so after doing that we did more of nothing and loved it and by about 3am we were all asleep somewhere in the house lol

after about 5 hours we were woken up by the sweet sounds of kels' 3 cousins (ages 4, 2, and 8months), stepmother, uncle, and father...it was delightful...not

so after being formally introduced to kelsey's father lynn (the stepmother) made us breakfast and we watched TV's Sexiest Men (tom selleck...give me a break)

after breakfast at about 11:30 anna left with aaron to take tom home and pick up karlyn (another of my g-town homies)

while they were gone we were joined by danny...omg...danny...ya i think thats all i can say

so ya were joined by danny and decided to migrate to the backyard to enjoy the activities the venue offered (a trampoline and a swimming pool)

so danny kels and i went swimming and played a few rounds of marco polo...i was it first...and spent a majority of my time chasing danny...dont judge me lol :)...and caught him eventually :)...i actually caught him everytime i was it

from there we moved to trampoline and back to the pool and then back to trampoline and then to the table to chat and kinda kept going with that for a while

then anna and aaron returned with karlyn and we did more of the same

during this time anna and i became quite attached to two floaties that belonged to kels' baby cousins...a duck by the name of ducky for anna and an alligator by the name of abigail for me...we were quite the foursome :)

later on at about 4:30 kelsey left with johnny and aaron to take karlyn back to glendora so he could go to work...leaving me to chill with anna and danny...by now my two favorite people of the group...we chilled and ate hamburgers and hot dogs courtesy of kels' dad

there's is a lot to this weekend so i think i'll stop here

thus ends part one

love and stuff,

B.A.J

unbridled joy!

2008-07-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

the boys are coming

im going to disneyland

i got the weekend off for kels' bday weekend celebration!

i am pleased!

love and stuff,

B.A.J

...but not necessarily for myself.

2008-07-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

at one point i thought i was on the brink being in love...like really being in love...with someone that loved me...but something went terribly wrong and im not sure what...

it hurt...and it still does when i think about it...and im thinking about it now...

i thought i was over it and that i was ok...thought wrong tho didnt i?

this sucks

love and stuff,

B.A.J

hmmm...im not entirely sure how much i care

2008-07-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

john and nina are getting married today...its after midnite so i can say today

thats not what im not sure i care about...that part im happy about...weddings are awesome

the part i dont know how much i care about is that i wasnt invited.

i mean i was one of the first people he told after he proposed...but that was only because i was with alissa at the time

we were never really close...we hung out at lunch senior year...but that was because we had a lot of common friends

idk i kinda just thought that i might be invited but im not entirely sure how much i care that i wasnt invited

initially i was hurt about it and considered contacting john to plead my case but then it just didnt seem worth the effort and i was probably gonna start sounding desperate which i really wasnt

i think the thing that bothers me the most is that markis (who is a member of the wedding party) and alissa were both invited and theyre my two best friends and when they get back from the wedding they will have all the fun memories and they will recount them all and i have to sit there and listen to it and wish i was there and not be able to say "stop talking about the wedding" without sounding, and perhaps feeling, all hard-done-by like some little kid that wasnt invited to the party and hasnt gotten over it yet

idk

love and stuff,

B.A.J

my late night madness

2008-07-04T02:01:00.000-07:00

i continue to stay awake into the wee hours of the night for no reason

i really dont mind it when i have nothing to do the next day or i dont work until 5 or something like that

but on the nights when i have to wake up the next morning this is just completely unacceptable

its not that i CANT sleep its that i WONT sleep like i just dont want to...even though there is absolutely NOTHING interesting going on at 3 am

yet i continue my late night madness night after night

frustrate!

love and stuff,

B.A.J

the reason it took me so long to start a blog...

2008-07-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

...is because i dont feel like im interesting or deep enough yakno?

im definitely not a profound person...never have been

my life has been relatively blah...no major life changing events

ive had my share of drama of course...but who hasnt

i guess my cousin is right when she says i just dont give a shit and that im nonchalant...

maybe thats why im not a deep person...i never care enough about the events of my life to stress about them

so then what does that mean of you who are "deep"?

do you care too much?

is there such a thing as not enough or too much?

i know people say there is...but what does it really mean to care too much??

a conversation i had earlier with lawren is valid here also

the point of the conversation was this:

weird is in the eye of the beholder, meaning that when someone uses the phrase "weird" in reference to someone else it is meerly saying that the someone else's particular quirks are different than the someone's quirks. everyone is weird in their own little way basically...i guess that was the easier way to say it but whatevs

so my point in bringing that up is to say this: too say that one cares too much or doesnt care enough is simply saying that they do not care as much as or care more than you do...which continues to imply that they SHOULD care as much as you...and is that true?? do we all have to care the same in any given situation? i should think not! that would remove originality from the world...not all originality of course because there is more too being original than just this

but im sure you've gotten my point by now

perhaps i am deep :)

love and stuff,

B.A.J

in case you were wondering why i love choral music so much...

2008-07-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

corona+lake elsinore+corona+diamond bar+corona

2008-07-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

= THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!

seriously!

me markis and alissa just spent several hours driving everywhere and nowhere

doing absolutely nothing fruitful whatsoever

and thats why i love them :)

you know youre best friends when you can spend hours doing absolutely nothing

i love you guys!!!!

love and stuff,
B.A.J

YAY!!! aka random update of my life

2008-06-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

i got made trainer at my job

more responsibility=more money and benefits and such

its an extra honor because since the store is so new and stuff so i got chosen off of pure talent :) lol

so...ya...thats all

love and stuff,

B.A.J

2nd nite in row

2008-06-27T02:05:00.000-07:00

up late

i should stop taking naps late in the afternoon and waking up at 9pm

then again i should get as much sleep as possible because im gonna be working like crazy this summer

ps te lucis ante terminum is one of the best songs ever written

love and stuff

B.A.J

i just realized how much i miss him

2008-06-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

so when J.A.M (james, alissa, and markis) hung out on monday alissa asked me and markis if we wanted to send jke (jacob, one of the foodies) a letter (which i called a love note :))

wait lets go back: jke is mormon and he's on his 2yr mission in nicaragua...he comes back in about 14 months

ok so: she asked us if we wanted to send him a letter in this care package that she was sending to him and of course we did

it wasnt until i wrote that letter that i realized how much i miss him

i didnt really realize what a big part of my life he's been over these past 4 years. we were never besties but we definitely are friends and fellow foodies and i love him soo much and i cant wait to for him to come back home

hopefully when he gets home we will change the whole "not really besties" thing when he gets home :)

love and stuff

B.A.J

this is a lovely lovely day

2008-06-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

nothing to do

watching i love the new millenium

will be doing so all day

headache

thatsall

love and stuff

B.A.J

My First Blog part 2

2008-06-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

ok so i go to Mt. San Antonio College aka Mt. SAC. I just finished my first year there and i loved it!! i cant wait to go back because this time i'll be returning as a Mt. SAC Chamber Singer!! which means a lot if youre in the choir world.

I've been a member of the world of choral music for going on 6 years now! i lvoe to sing and i absolutely love choir!! its my passion and because of this im studying to music education to become a choral director.

I also just got hired at Chili's in Diamond Bar as a busser...im so excited!!!

i kinda thought i had more to say but i cant think of anything else hmmm...so i guess thats me in a nutshell

My First Blog

2008-06-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well i suppose i'll begin my life as a blogger by telling you a bit about myself. My name is James. But my friends call me Boomquiesha...no lie...we're weird like that. I'm 19 and I live in Corona (CROWNTOWN!!) with my mother (Annette) , my younger sister (Jessica), my cousin (Shantell), and our 3 pets (2 dogs, Princess and Killer, and a cat by the name of Frank). I also have an older sister (Wendy) and a nephew (DaMarion). My parents got divorced when i was 14 and now my dad (also James) is married again to my stepmother (Andrea) and I have a lil brother (Jeremiah). I have the most amazing friends in the world. My ultimate and supreme BFFs are Alissa Clark, Stephanie Sasloff, Markis Sayles, Therese Crews and Kristin Long. I also have regular besties lol: Lawren Donahue, J.A.K (Anna Iliff and Kelsey Bradley), Berenice Garcia, and Jordan Sanvicente.

UGH! im running out of time theres a lot more i wanted to write but i have to got to go to work so i'll have to finish up in blog numero dos

love and stuff

B.A.J