I'm sorry Cathy, but that was just weakness on your part

Your clever song lyrics do not change my mind...if anything they just annoyingly weaken my resolve to stop caring. Yes, I know, his smile can destroy an entire world if it wanted to, but I can't let that world be me. It was almost me. I'm trying to stay strong and withstand the fire. The rules DO apply, never have they applied more. So be quiet silly woman! You gave in to his smile, and look where it got you...I refuse to go down that same path.

Lyrics that I'm referring too:

True: i tend to follow on his stride, instead of side by side, I take his cue. True: but there's no question, there's no doubt, I said I'd stick it out and follow through. And when I do, he smiles, and where else can I go? I didn't know the rules did not apply...

From "A Part of That" from The Last Five Years

Ugh...forget it.

I was writing out this ridiculously long blog about how boys are dumb and how I'm more dumb for liking them and blah blah blah and then I held the backspace button on my iPod keyboard for too long and and it left the blog writing app and the app apparently doesn't save the blog while you're in the middle of writing it so now it's gone and I don't feel lime going through it again.

So...

...for the first time in a looonngg time in told a boy that I like, that I like him. (not Jean...haha never that). I was asked outright by Emilio if I liked him (after I retardedly/drunkenly tweeted that I loved him) and I (after thinking of how I would say it) told him that I do indeed have a crush on him. He asked me why...he doesn't think he's good looking poor thing. So I told him that I think he's adorable (something that has been apparent to me since we met in Arizona) and that he's smart, cute, and funny (all true). Aaanndd ummm...we've been texting ever since but that doesn't matter not one bit at all *crosses arms defiantly* (I refuse to get my hopes up [we're possibly hanging out on Friday {shut up}])

Ugh.

You stupid boy. You don't get it do you? I could be that one, that one that you want. I could love you. I could be there for you. We could be together and we could be happy. But, no, we can't. Because you're blinded by the rules. You're a victim to the society that we are a part of that frowns down upon someone like me. So you won't even look, you won't even try. Fine. But stop complaining about not having what you want, when you could have it if you weren't so stubborn.

I suppose...

...God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced me to Big Macs when I was 9. He knew that I would get hooked on McDs and that I would get fat because of it. And now, because I'm fat and virtually unattractive, I will never get a boyfriend. Because the world we live in is so shallow. *cliche alert* I have a lot to offer a guy, but I won't ever get the chance because gays are so friggin shallow. I'm not saying I'm not, because I know I can be. But I also know that of I met someone who wasn't the most attractive, or didn't have the best body, but still had a great personality or we had a lot in common I would definitely give them the chance. But other gays, no the won't even give a second glance, they would never consider it...would never consider me. Because there's no way that I could be found attractive, which means there is no way I could be a good boyfriend. Because the two TOTALLY ALWAYS go together.

Sometimes I'm a big idiot

I do and say things without even thinking. And I do the aforementioned stupid things, I make people mad at me. I really need to start thinking about everything I do and say about 37000 times before I actually do and say them. Maybe that way people wouldn't, like, hate me, and then I would, like, keep friends.

I Wish I Was.

I wish I was Jaimey, instead of James. Life would be so much easier that way. My obsessive love of boys would be healthy and people would find it endearing, not weird. The extra weight would be ok because I would carry it well and dress just right to make it look good. I would be an awesome alto. People would think I was talented and would want to be my friend. I wouldn't be single, because boys would want me as much as I want them. I would be respected and loved, because as Jaimey, everything I am would be considered normal. I wouldn't fight with my parents because just trying would be enough for them, as long as I was in school and staying out of trouble they wouldn't care about helping out with money here and there.

Yeah, life would be easier if I was Jaimey. But I'm not, and life wasn't made to be easy.

Yet still, I wish I was.