i still think about him...

...a lot.

i still try to figure out what happened


what went wrong??


i still need closure


and what hurts most of all is thinking about what could have been...

ive been pretty blog-challenged lately...

...and for that i am very sorry.


its not that im busy i just lost my passion for this thing


but its time to repassionize myself because this is the best way for me to convey whats going on in my life to my two favorite girls (and whoever else might stumble across my blog)


ummm...life is great (great is to read with great sarcasm)


school is whatever...academically at least

i go to my classes...i do my homework...blah blah blah

choir is a whole other story.

i love singing in chamber...its amazing of course...just as i always dreamt it would be

im working hard to be the best i can be and its becoming very overwhelming but i guess that comes with the territory

i still put up with a lot of crap but i guess i can handle it

idk

i dont really know what to blog about

i promise to start updating you guys whenever anything happens and all that

at least weekly

i love you more than i did last time i blogged

How I Am (my life as of 11/11/08)

im sure you have been wondering where ive been since my last angry blog


truth is ive been kinda neglecting my blog because i feel melodramatic sometimes

i feel like im complaining


but i know its necessary for me to update you on my life because i know that those of you that read this blog love me and care about me and want to know how i am


so here goes:


im still alive

that's definitely saying something considering i have been feeling like sometimes its not worth it

for a time those feelings happened almots daily but i always shut them down quickly

it would be ridiculous for me to take my own life just to spite some people.

maybe i should explain why i would want to spite certain people...

i am a member of the Mt. San Antonio College Chamber Singers as you well know

there's more to being a chamber singer than singing great music under the direction of a great conductor.

first of all there's tour

this year were touring to New York to perform in the legendary Carnegie Hall and then on to Maryland to do an exchange with the Towson University Choir where Katie Finaldi sings

tour costs money

money is somethig thats hard to come by these days so i have no clue how im gonna pay for it and im pretty close to telling Mr. Rogers to just take me off of the list

i just dont hope that he doenst have to kick me out of the group because of it

though i doubt very many people would care

which leads me to my next probelm with chamber singer life

i am quite nearly the most disliked person in chamber

if not the most disliked then certainly the most ignored and the most talked about (behind my back that is)

i have had to come to terms with that and is has been very hard

people just find me annoying and they dont like me

no one has really taken the time to get to know me at all

of course i have made some friends

i have Stephanie who has been my best friend over the past year

and Melissa also

but they both have their lives and i can't really spend the time with them that i would like to

and ive met Kathy Medina and Sarah Salazar and Amanda Woods and they're really sweet girls

but Kathy and Amanda have their new boyfriends and Sarah has her life

and Lawren

and you already know the drama with Lawren

things are better now but im a lil wary of letting myself get too attached again

i think i have to clarify something: I have friends and i love them and they love me

but you i think you can see how this can very reminiscent of my senior year in mads

i try to be a good person and be nice and friendly to everyone and it ends up blowing up in my face

the only thing thats missing is ME blowing up in THEIR faces

ive grown up

thats not gonna happen again

ive learned my lesson

my friend DeSean thinks that they moght need to hear from me but i never did want them to know that im hurting

DeSean took it upon himself to try to fix it

and i love him for that

but still i was really gonna bear the burden and work through it

of course im not sure how long i couldve done it

GOD put it on DeSean's heart to help before it became too much for me i guess

ugh

my intention was to give you an update on my life and i dont think i was successful

i guess you can just walk away with this:

im still alive and i love and miss you everyday