i still think about him...

...a lot.

i still try to figure out what happened


what went wrong??


i still need closure


and what hurts most of all is thinking about what could have been...

ive been pretty blog-challenged lately...

...and for that i am very sorry.


its not that im busy i just lost my passion for this thing


but its time to repassionize myself because this is the best way for me to convey whats going on in my life to my two favorite girls (and whoever else might stumble across my blog)


ummm...life is great (great is to read with great sarcasm)


school is whatever...academically at least

i go to my classes...i do my homework...blah blah blah

choir is a whole other story.

i love singing in chamber...its amazing of course...just as i always dreamt it would be

im working hard to be the best i can be and its becoming very overwhelming but i guess that comes with the territory

i still put up with a lot of crap but i guess i can handle it

idk

i dont really know what to blog about

i promise to start updating you guys whenever anything happens and all that

at least weekly

i love you more than i did last time i blogged

How I Am (my life as of 11/11/08)

im sure you have been wondering where ive been since my last angry blog


truth is ive been kinda neglecting my blog because i feel melodramatic sometimes

i feel like im complaining


but i know its necessary for me to update you on my life because i know that those of you that read this blog love me and care about me and want to know how i am


so here goes:


im still alive

that's definitely saying something considering i have been feeling like sometimes its not worth it

for a time those feelings happened almots daily but i always shut them down quickly

it would be ridiculous for me to take my own life just to spite some people.

maybe i should explain why i would want to spite certain people...

i am a member of the Mt. San Antonio College Chamber Singers as you well know

there's more to being a chamber singer than singing great music under the direction of a great conductor.

first of all there's tour

this year were touring to New York to perform in the legendary Carnegie Hall and then on to Maryland to do an exchange with the Towson University Choir where Katie Finaldi sings

tour costs money

money is somethig thats hard to come by these days so i have no clue how im gonna pay for it and im pretty close to telling Mr. Rogers to just take me off of the list

i just dont hope that he doenst have to kick me out of the group because of it

though i doubt very many people would care

which leads me to my next probelm with chamber singer life

i am quite nearly the most disliked person in chamber

if not the most disliked then certainly the most ignored and the most talked about (behind my back that is)

i have had to come to terms with that and is has been very hard

people just find me annoying and they dont like me

no one has really taken the time to get to know me at all

of course i have made some friends

i have Stephanie who has been my best friend over the past year

and Melissa also

but they both have their lives and i can't really spend the time with them that i would like to

and ive met Kathy Medina and Sarah Salazar and Amanda Woods and they're really sweet girls

but Kathy and Amanda have their new boyfriends and Sarah has her life

and Lawren

and you already know the drama with Lawren

things are better now but im a lil wary of letting myself get too attached again

i think i have to clarify something: I have friends and i love them and they love me

but you i think you can see how this can very reminiscent of my senior year in mads

i try to be a good person and be nice and friendly to everyone and it ends up blowing up in my face

the only thing thats missing is ME blowing up in THEIR faces

ive grown up

thats not gonna happen again

ive learned my lesson

my friend DeSean thinks that they moght need to hear from me but i never did want them to know that im hurting

DeSean took it upon himself to try to fix it

and i love him for that

but still i was really gonna bear the burden and work through it

of course im not sure how long i couldve done it

GOD put it on DeSean's heart to help before it became too much for me i guess

ugh

my intention was to give you an update on my life and i dont think i was successful

i guess you can just walk away with this:

im still alive and i love and miss you everyday

what exactly was your motivation?

ugh


i hate stupid people and the stupid things they do


im not sure why they do the things they do


is it entertaining for them?


it must be


there has to be some reason why they continue to perform acts of pure stupidity


ugh i wish it didnt bother me so much but i cant help it, it just does


and its not like there's anything i can do about it


believe me ive tried


ugh i guess im stuck


as long as people continue to be stupid, i'll continue to be annoyed

sometimes i wonder why i even bother...

...being nice to people and being people's friend and being there for people and doing stuff for people

its a waste of time

all they end up doing is leaving you when its most convenient for them.

they use you and use you and suck you dry of emotion and everything else they cant get their grimey paws on until there's nothing left, and then they just move on as if you dont exist, as if you didnt give them your heart and soul

where do they get off?

where does she get off?

where do you get off lawren donahue in treating people like that?

wasnt i there for you?

didn't i stay up into all hours of the night trying to help you make sense of your life?

didnt i wake up in the middle of the night or drop whatever i was doing because you called me and needed to talk about something?

wasnt i more concerned about whether or not you did well at call backs than i was for myself?

i just dont understand it

i dont know who you think you are, who you think i am

this isnt right

but i suppose i have to learn a lesson from this

and its the same lesson that ive been learning all of my life

the same lesson that even you tried to help me learn (guess i shouldve gotten then huh)

not everyone that says they are my friend is my friend...even you

havent you always said to me "things arent always what they seem?"

ya well i guess you were talking about yourself werent you

so i suppose i'm the fool in this one

wait

im always the fool it seems

so this really shouldnt be a surprise to anyone

im done

i think im gonna go to bed

sad right?

i know

but like ive said before: sometimes emotional stress can tire you out more than physical stress

hmmm...interesting concept.

did you just threaten to delete me for posting too many bulletins?


interesting.


do it.


and as cliche and childish as this might sound: see if i care.

epilogue to the scream.

after i had my little blog of screamage i feel like ive lost all emotion.


i think the reason why this day has been kinda decent is because i havent really felt anything


this entire day has been just whatever, tuesdays are whatever by nature in my life. but i think the added whateverness of today is due to the fact that ive been emotionally whatever.

maybe its because i went through a day so full of emotion that i needed a day of emotional rest

well i got it

and what for?

is it in preparation for another emotional day?

oh God i hope not

i dont know how many more days like yesterday i can handle''

ugh

im still alive