I'm sorry Cathy, but that was just weakness on your part

Your clever song lyrics do not change my mind...if anything they just annoyingly weaken my resolve to stop caring. Yes, I know, his smile can destroy an entire world if it wanted to, but I can't let that world be me. It was almost me. I'm trying to stay strong and withstand the fire. The rules DO apply, never have they applied more. So be quiet silly woman! You gave in to his smile, and look where it got you...I refuse to go down that same path.

Lyrics that I'm referring too:

True: i tend to follow on his stride, instead of side by side, I take his cue. True: but there's no question, there's no doubt, I said I'd stick it out and follow through. And when I do, he smiles, and where else can I go? I didn't know the rules did not apply...

From "A Part of That" from The Last Five Years

Ugh...forget it.

I was writing out this ridiculously long blog about how boys are dumb and how I'm more dumb for liking them and blah blah blah and then I held the backspace button on my iPod keyboard for too long and and it left the blog writing app and the app apparently doesn't save the blog while you're in the middle of writing it so now it's gone and I don't feel lime going through it again.

So...

...for the first time in a looonngg time in told a boy that I like, that I like him. (not Jean...haha never that). I was asked outright by Emilio if I liked him (after I retardedly/drunkenly tweeted that I loved him) and I (after thinking of how I would say it) told him that I do indeed have a crush on him. He asked me why...he doesn't think he's good looking poor thing. So I told him that I think he's adorable (something that has been apparent to me since we met in Arizona) and that he's smart, cute, and funny (all true). Aaanndd ummm...we've been texting ever since but that doesn't matter not one bit at all *crosses arms defiantly* (I refuse to get my hopes up [we're possibly hanging out on Friday {shut up}])

Ugh.

You stupid boy. You don't get it do you? I could be that one, that one that you want. I could love you. I could be there for you. We could be together and we could be happy. But, no, we can't. Because you're blinded by the rules. You're a victim to the society that we are a part of that frowns down upon someone like me. So you won't even look, you won't even try. Fine. But stop complaining about not having what you want, when you could have it if you weren't so stubborn.

I suppose...

...God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced me to Big Macs when I was 9. He knew that I would get hooked on McDs and that I would get fat because of it. And now, because I'm fat and virtually unattractive, I will never get a boyfriend. Because the world we live in is so shallow. *cliche alert* I have a lot to offer a guy, but I won't ever get the chance because gays are so friggin shallow. I'm not saying I'm not, because I know I can be. But I also know that of I met someone who wasn't the most attractive, or didn't have the best body, but still had a great personality or we had a lot in common I would definitely give them the chance. But other gays, no the won't even give a second glance, they would never consider it...would never consider me. Because there's no way that I could be found attractive, which means there is no way I could be a good boyfriend. Because the two TOTALLY ALWAYS go together.

Sometimes I'm a big idiot

I do and say things without even thinking. And I do the aforementioned stupid things, I make people mad at me. I really need to start thinking about everything I do and say about 37000 times before I actually do and say them. Maybe that way people wouldn't, like, hate me, and then I would, like, keep friends.

I Wish I Was.

I wish I was Jaimey, instead of James. Life would be so much easier that way. My obsessive love of boys would be healthy and people would find it endearing, not weird. The extra weight would be ok because I would carry it well and dress just right to make it look good. I would be an awesome alto. People would think I was talented and would want to be my friend. I wouldn't be single, because boys would want me as much as I want them. I would be respected and loved, because as Jaimey, everything I am would be considered normal. I wouldn't fight with my parents because just trying would be enough for them, as long as I was in school and staying out of trouble they wouldn't care about helping out with money here and there.

Yeah, life would be easier if I was Jaimey. But I'm not, and life wasn't made to be easy.

Yet still, I wish I was.

Bad Day

You almost had an angry blog coming your way but I came home and took a much needed nap and now I'm calm (or groggy...)

But ya today was not one of my better days...I was just frustrated and annoyed throughout the entire day, which sucks cuz I was kinda excited to go back to school today cuz Mondays and Wednesdays are my favorites. Of course I shouldve known that being excited about it would be my downfall.

But like I said I'm fine now. I'm still positive that this is gonna be a good week :)

Certain Things Just Don't Make Sense

Remember back when I didn't have a job, so most of the time I didn't have any money? And how sometimes I couldn't put gas in my car or buy myself some food?

Those two go together. No job = no money = no gas and/or food

Ok, now do you remember when I was so excited when I got hired by the census? And then when I got rehired at Raging Waters? And do you remember that one day that I missed school for training, and then when I missed a FULL WEEK of school for training? Remember how that was like 3 weeks ago?

Doesn't 2 jobs = some money = some gas and food? And yet somehow I still have no money for gas and food. That doesn't make sense, right?

Ya I didn't think so.

Boys Boys Boys

Victor: every semester in concert choir there is a boy that catches my eye. It's never anything more than a cute little flirtatious crush but it always happens. This semester it's Victor. For the first part of the semester we sat next to each other and I was always kinda flirty (you know how I do) but I know that nothing is ever gonna come of it. I just think he's a cutie in a weird sorta way.

Emilio: there has been many a tweet about how this boy makes me feel. I just kinda smile when I think about him or when he texts me or when he tweets something witty. I first met him during the two weeks of Star Wars in Concert (still the best 2 weeks of my life) but I didn't really talk to him, I thought he was cute but nothing more than that. But then both of our choirs went on tour together in Arizona and on the last night there was a party and we started talking...it was nice. I realized he was more than cute, he's adorable. Smart, funny, talented. For the first week after we got back from tour we texted back and forth everyday. I kinda got my hopes up but, in my usual fashion, I let it go without saying anything. I sometimes think I'm over it...and then I sometimes think I'm not.

Jean: oh Jean. I can't help it. I used to think we could be perfect together...except for the fact that he's almost devastatingly attractive and I could never be good enough for him. We're both looking for the same thing, to love and be loved and all that. We both want the same kind of relationship. But like I said, I could never be good enough for him. I could try forever, and it would take that long, but I could never deserve someone like him. I went through a phase where I was actually really trying to get to a point where he might be interested but I realized it would never be enough...so I gave up...as usual.

I'm not a whore because I like 3 boys at once. I just see something in all 3 of them that I want, that could make me happy. And I wanna be happy.

Ok so...

Last night I kinda had a melt down...thus the melodramatic blog. I'm fine. God is working amazingly in my life.

That class that I thought I was gonna fail? I'll be fine. Kate (my history professor) allowed me to make up the exam that I missed no questions asked, even though I didn't exactly follow the procedure that she outlined...and I got an A...woooott!! And Kristina (my Italian professor) decided that, instead of taking the exam I missed in that class, she would just take the average if the first 2...so I got a B without even taking it! Double wooooott!!

And, though I don't know how I did on my theory exam from Wednesday, I feel better about it than I thought I would.

God is seriously so good...you shouldve seen me on Tuesday night...I was a mess! I just knew Wednesday was gonna be terrible...I seriously felt like everything was crashing down! But I prayed about it and He seriously came through big time. PTL indeed :)

Ugh. (life as of 5/5/10)

While people are graduating college, getting married, and having babies, I'm still at a JC with the prospect of failing my first class ever in the history of my life.

Ugh.

BLOOOOGGG????

i know! i know! its been 118 years since my last blog...and believe me it hasnt been without a lack of things to blog about.

i think the reason i dont blog so much is because i tend to use twitter.com/boomquiesha_j ;) as a mini-blog to hash out all of my problems big or small.

well, this has been an interesting year to say the least: friends have come and gone, gotten married, had babies, died :(, my family has continued to grow, blah blah blah anything you can think can happen prolly happened to me this year

ive just realized that i love my life. i may not always be content with it, but i love it. i wouldnt trade it but i would fix it figadylme? since when did loving something/one mean that there wasnt anything that you wish was different.

i love my friends and family, but there are things about most of them that i wish were different, and im positive that there are things about me that they wish was different ya?

so ya...love my life but would like to fix it.

i would love to be slimmer...my weight has been fluctuating like crazy...i had settled between 200 and 205 for the pass few months since summer but i feel it going up again...so with the new year im def gonna be focusing more on dropping below 200 and staying there.

i want to fall in love and be loved in return...i know that ive stressed this several times before but being in love is something that is very important to me. i see it all around me and see what it does to people good and bad...i want that...i'll take the bad with the good...im not sure what the point will be. just to say that ive done it i guess?? no. thats not enough. it'll prove that im worth something. which leads me to my next point...

i need someone at Mt. SAC to be my friend...my real friend...the type of friend that i see other people in the choral program have. the type of friend that doesnt forget to invite me when people hang out, as well as the type of friend that sometimes just wants to hang out with me sometime. i should be more specific and say i need someone in Chamber Singers to be that friend. cuz i have Alissa, and JAK, and other people that are my friends, but if you get down to it i spend the majority of my time with chamber...im supposed to be part of the chamber family, but for the past 2 years i have been excluded for reasons that i will never know or prolly understand seeing as how ive never done anything to anyone there but i have singled out as a person to be excluded from the chamber family. so ya...i want that...again, it'll prove that im worth something

of course you might say "what do you mean? youre worth something!" and i would agree

its complicated.

i know i must mean something to someone in the world

i obviously mean something to Jesus and God (seeing as how they keep doing things for me, even though i dont deserve it)

and to my parents and family (something about being blood related does something to people)

but thats not something you can always feel

i want to feel it and i dont think im asking for too much

and as a matter of fact i DO feel it during the summer and winter breaks when my peeps from HS are home...but what about at school. thats where i spend most of my time and energy...i want to feel like im worth something while im there...i wanna feel like i deserve what i get and that i get what i deserve yakno?

there's too much history there for me to describe...if you look through my blogs you might get an idea, but still

the gist of it is that i never feel like im good enough because know one makes me feel like im good enough.

so ya. thats what i want. to feel like im good enough. to feel like im worth it.

needs to get lost in something...

...cuz my own thoughts arent a good place to be.

idk

i get like this every once in a while...and sometimes im just being too dramatic...

but sometimes im definitely being shat upon.

it seems like no matter what i do...no matter how well i try to do in school, at work (except for not so much at raging waters), or at home it feels like all people do is try to find something to punish me for.

and, i know ive said this before, ive learned to expect it from people in the world...people just arent gonna like me for one reason or another...fine...ok...i got it.

but in my family...oh god my family...it seems like i cant do anything right. and they dont listen to me, so if by chance i am in the right they wont hear it...frustrating isnt it?? yes.

multiple things:
1. my mother...she isconstantly getting on me for one reason or another under the pretense of trying help me become a responsible adult. that might be her true intention...i dont know...but it certainly doesnt feel that way. it feels more like: i make a mistake, i get punished. punished, not taught, punished. for the hell of it. ex. i had a bit of trouble with the car (a whole other story within itself). the situation so wasnt my fault and i did the best i could to handle it...my one major mistake was not telling my mother about it when it happened, thinking it wasnt such a big deal. i apologized for it, multiple times. but that doesnt seem enough. no. now my mother thinks i shouldnt be able to just "take off in the car all willy-nilly" because of what happened. the car whose oil i got changed. the car i clean. the car i put gas in. i cant take it out when i want to because i need to learn how to treat it like i "respect it as [my] own property." if you knew the whole story about what happened you would see how that makes no sense at all...though the fact that i clean it and the oil and all that shit would be enough to tell you that she doesnt make sense.

2. my father...fact is i really should listen to him more instead of just blowin him off...however, a lot of his suggestions are presented as if they are law and i should just do it just because. ex. my father thinks i should put school on the backburner, get a 'real' job, and move out of my mothers house. cuz thats what he did. he left st. louis and never looked back. that worked for him. not me. that wont work for me. but he is constantly bringing it up as if its a crime that i havent done it yet.

3. my sister...which one, you ask? both of them. but for now lets discuss the older one. we have a special bond in that she owes me approx. $225 every other week for the time i put in taking care of her son. every once in a while she likes to decide that she doesnt like how things are done and how there needs to be a change. ex. today is pay day (PTL). she owes me $225 as previously discussed. she has decided that: 1. im not getting the whole thing because one night last week i had me nephew spend the night at his dad's mom's house so i could go out to see the midnight showing of HBP. that is the first time ive ever done that. any other night i stay home dutifully with my nephew...never able to go out or do anything. and 2. we need to rethink the whole arrangement because "there are things happening and things not happening that [she doesnt] like."

4. my extended family (including aunts, uncles, older cousins)...i am apparently a bad son and an all together failure as a person. i dont love and/or appreciate my mother because if i did i would be doing everything that they did for their mothers when they were growing up. ex. (bad son) my uncle came over to do something for my mother in the house and found some things that he thought shouldve been done. it just so happens that those particular things are chores that mother generally takes upon herself to do, a fact that i pointed out to my uncle...shame on me for having my own things to do around the house and at work and not wanting to do extra. i should show my mother i appreciate her by doing every single little thing that i see around the house that needs to be done (right, like i havent done that before.) ex. (failure as a person) why am i wasting my time at mt. sac studying music. im so smart and have so much potential and im wasting it and taking the easy way out. nothing upsets me more than that...really really really...i am searching for the next opportunity to go off on them...ive already done it on one (hmmm...maybe it was my dad)

everything im saying here is true, with the least exaggeration as possible.

so you can see my overall frustration with my life

i dont have much to say besides...

...i seriously considered suicide for the first time in a while...call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

and not only that but also for not the first time i hoped that something really bad would happen to me to teach other people a lesson...again, call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

tonight was a terrible night...absolutely horrible on a number of levels.

i dont have the energy to go into details...but this night was truly horrible...and when i came home after the events that caused me to leave in the first place...i realized 3 things that only made it worse: 1. he was home and awake. 2. she was awake. 3. my lil sister is an even bigger______ than i thought she was and i cant wait until she leaves.

do with that what you will.

i will say that i have never felt lonelier and more hurt in my life...

i owe two apologies to one person...everyone else can go away.

you brought this on yourself sir.

i didnt tell you to cheat on your girlfriend. thats something you did all by yourself. and its not like i sought her out. she came to me. she asked me if i saw it. a simple yes or no question. i wasnt going to lie despite what my mother or anyone else says i shoulda done i wasnt gonna pretend like i didnt see anything. i saw it. she asked me. i answered. im sorry sir but you brought this on yourself. so you and your cousin can refrain from coming at me foul. grow up. you made a mistake. deal with it.


dear jesus,

check ya boi cuz he be trippin.

the OTHER self-control fail...

...i talked to david.

zomg

that is strictly forbidden...

...i know she's gonna find out

and i know she's gonna kill me

shit.

hmmm...

so yesterday my mother, my sister, and i met with my father at miguels under the pretense of talking about jessicas college options. of course the conversation turned to me and what a bad son i am and how lazy i am and how im wasting my time and intelligence blah blah blah

it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.

however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.

apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy

i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.

and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.

they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary

but again thats not enough for them

and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is

its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong

LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.

i need to get back to my life please...

these past couple of weeks have not been my life...they have belonged to some boring person with no friends and nothing to do. thats not me. i go places. i do stuff.

but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...

so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx

remember remember the 5th of november...

...dont worry V its a day i will never forget :)