epilogue to the scream.

after i had my little blog of screamage i feel like ive lost all emotion.


i think the reason why this day has been kinda decent is because i havent really felt anything


this entire day has been just whatever, tuesdays are whatever by nature in my life. but i think the added whateverness of today is due to the fact that ive been emotionally whatever.

maybe its because i went through a day so full of emotion that i needed a day of emotional rest

well i got it

and what for?

is it in preparation for another emotional day?

oh God i hope not

i dont know how many more days like yesterday i can handle''

ugh

im still alive

i need to scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did you hear that?


im sure you could hear it in your head


that how i feel right now


im sure it would suffice to say that the past 24 hours have been some of the worst ive ever experienced

im not exaggerating

there was a funeral and a test i wasnt ready for and everything


so the emotions that i felt in the previous two blogs that i posted last night followed me into today

i didnt want to wake up this morning but of course i had to


got up about a half hour late


there was traffic on the streets on two of the three freeways that i take to school

needless to say i got to school late


i simply didnt want to be there at all


but i had to


i had the test and the funeral to go to


so i was there


after my test i went and practiced music for about an hour before concert choir then chilled with some friends before concert choir started

i guess that wasnt so bad...actually it was good...the highlight of my day now that i think about it

then concert choir...which was just whatever


but something happened during concert choir that would end up set off a series of events that would make my day even worse

i got a call from a friend and fellow chamber singer chris d'amico asking what time the funeral was and to ask mr mac if there would still be fermata rehearsal because of the funeral

i go back to class and ask mac and he says he's not sure yet so i wait until after concert choir and ask him again

he tells me to tell meeko (chris d'amico) and k-shan (kevin shannon, another fellow chamber singer and the student director of fermata nowhere) not to worry about it

sidebar: i hate this day...i really really do

anyways so i call meeko again and tell him that mac says not to worry about going to fermata cuz he wants people to go to the funeral

while this is going on my friend DeSean is complaining because he wants to still have fermata rehearsal

so i tell him dont worry about it you can still practice your music but the funeral is more important to some people

at this point avi is there standind across from me giving me an angry look

avi: "are you in fermata james? no. so be quiet you dont have any say in this."

i look at him confused

and apparently im not the only one

desean: "are you serious?"

avi: "yes. he's not in fermata so he doesnt have any say he should just shut up"

me: "avi what are you talking about? you dont even know whats going on."

avi: "yes i do."

me: "no you dont"

and this goes on for a little until he walks away

im still confused, a lil angry, and very hurt.


my friend kathy medina sees whats going on and is as confused as i am


kathy: "what was that all about?"

me: "i dont even know."

i explain the situation

kathy: "i dont get it. why was he overreacting like that?"

me: "i dont know. i need to get out of here. i cant handle this right now."

i walk out to go my voice lesson and in the hallway is a group of people surrounding avi

i catch a snippet of what he's saying but when he sees me he stops

avi: "hey james, thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

me: "what're you talking about? i wasnt trying to cancel fermata."

avi: "yes you were. thanks a lot for trying to cancel fermata

me: "what the hell? you dont even know what you're talking about."

people are giggling...i dont get whats so funny

avi: "thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

i walk away...i cant even handle this right now

i go my voice teachers office

steve always seems to know when something is wrong with me...always

steve: "whats the matter?"

me: "what do you mean?"

steve: "whats wrong with you?"

me: "nothing. just stressing out. can we make this quick i have a funeral to get to."

steve of course knows that im more than "just stressing out" so he just sits there and stares

i become overcome with emotion and i sit down on the floor and call kathy...the only person that i could think of

while im talking to her steve justs sits there and watches

i hang up

steve: "do you wanna just do two lessons next week?"

me: "i cant i already missed last week."

steve: "i know we'll do two next week and two the week after that."

me: "are you sure?"

he's sure

me: "thank you, i'll see you next week."

i go back to the choir room to see if kathy is still there

she is

i ask her to walk with me to car

she does

we walk in complete silence all the way down the parking lot

i make my way to the funeral stressing out

by the time i get there i know that its time for me to let go of my own problems and go support the family

even though funerals are sad by nature this one was very uplifting

matt orr was a very special person

after i leave the funeral i make my way to my cousins house because she needs me to drive her somewhere

even though i get to her place at like 5 we dont end up leaving until 9 because i end up falling asleep

funny how emotional stress can tire you out more than physical stress sometimes

as were making our way to our destination my cousin gets a call from my younger sister jessica

jessicas usual ride to school is unable to give her a ride and she wants my cousin to drive her

my cousin cant do it cuz she wont be in corona in the morning

shannie (my cousin): "...but maybe JR (thats me) will do it."

me: "i wont. she can walk. i had to walk. wendy (my older sister) had to walk. she can walk."

shannie: "she's probably gonna call your mother. you cant tell your mother that."

me: "you wanna bet? i'll tell my mother the same way i told you."

shannie: "well let me call your mother before she does."

she calls my mom and informs her of the situation

my mom wants to talk to me

mom: "do you have children?

me: "ummm...no"

i dont see the point

mom: "why would you say that you wont give your sister a ride to school?"

me: "because she doesnt need one. i had to walk. wendy had to walk. she can walk"

mom: "you act like you cant do me this one favor"

me: "thats not doing you a favor. that for jessica. she.can.walk"

mom: "well if you cant do me this one favor then if you ask me to do you a favor you know what the answer is gonna be"

me: "this has nothing to do with favors this is just another way to punish me for not doing something for your precious little baby"

we go back and forth for a little bit but apparently she doesnt wanna talk about it anymore and hangs up

ive come to the realization that my mother loves my sister more than she loves me.

not that she doesnt love me at all

she just loves jessica more

all of the signs point me to that conclusion

i cant see any other answer.

there are two other factors to why this day sucked but i really dont want to get into them

this blog is long enough

im done

damn

this really hurts


i dont know how to handle this


im just remembering that this crap didnt start at mt sac


karen garrett never even thought that i was talented enough and she is the one who "gave me my start"


damn



what am i supposed to do


what do you do when you remember that the person that was supposed to believe in you the most didnt believe in you at all


damn


damn

im done

its funny how stupid lil things can make you examine your entire life

tonight when i went to mcdonalds i ordered a mcchicken with extra mayo but instead i got a mcchicken with NO mayo

they did it on purpose


lack of respect


that sent me spiraling down a path thinking of all the people in my life right now that dont respect me for no reason...because they think they're better than me in some way.

they treat me like im not worth their time

its really frustrating because ive spent so much time working so hard and its come to nothing

what do i have?

im in chamber singers...whats the use in that if there are people standing on all sides of me who think i dont deserve it

i know it shouldnt matter but the fact of the matter is that it does...it does matter...it matters because it hurts...it hurts so badly...so badly that i cant help but to think about it...and then when i think about it, it just hurts more

i dont know if i can deal with this

is it all worth it?

what makes it worth it?

chamber singers is great and its an amazing opportunity and a great kick down my career path

but its hard to remember that the future will be brighter when the present is so dark

ugh

i dont know what the point of all of this is

i dont want to quit chamber

i just need to be sure that putting up with all of this for the next 3 years is going to be worth it

is it really going to matter

are people really gonna care when it comes down to it

ive spent all of this time trying to convince everyone else that i made a good decision but i guess i wasnt even really convinced

no

scratch that

i was sure

i was convinced

i just didnt know it would be like this

but we ever really know what its gonna be like?

no

no

no i dont think we do.

i dont know

some things arent supposed to happen...but they do...they just do

grief just kinda washed all over me all of sudden.

i had spent about two hours avoiding reading the bulletin that momma orr posted...i dont know why i was avoiding it i just was

and then i read it and i cant recall ever being more confused

i point blank refused to believe what i read

so i did some myspace investigating

still didnt believe it

called brittanyshe didnt answer, i didnt expect her to...its late

i still didnt believe it

but then i read something that forced me against my will to believe it

brittany's bulletin

momma's status

i cant handle this right now

i never knew matt personally but so what

i know his mother and his sister and i love them almost as if they were my own

their pain is my pain...only their pain must be 150000000 times worse

this will be the fourth person under 30 that ive known that has died in four months

its just too much

its more and more proof that we never know the day nor the hour

GOD has a will and its always being done for our betterment...thats the only comfort i can find in all of this

to the orrs:i love you with all my heart, and you are in my thoughts and prayers

so i found out today...

...that you are one of those grimey people thats fake to my face and talks about me behind my back


great



glad we cleared that one up


cuz when i heard that people were talking about me i immediately ruled you out as a suspect


only to find out that you are


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOK


now i know

the thing i sacrificed...

...i think will effect my overall happiness this semester.


i sacrificed being in Frontline this semester...i loved being in Frontline last year and i love singing jazz

i gave up being in frontline this semester because i wanted to be student director for concert choir and thought i would get the position

how wrong i was

and now i wanna be in frontline and i cant because i mac wants to keep me in as tenor section leader...oh great

im sure id much rather be in frontline

but the only other alternative for tenor section leader is joseph arselan...if your in concert choir that name makes you shudder kinda...i certainly did when mac told me he was the only other option

i didnt wanna leave the tenors in that state...poor babies

AND mac chose a song for frontline that ive been wanting to sing forever and ive always wanted to audition for this solo

you know what

i think i might just say eff concert choir and do frontline

ugh


i dont know

oh meh

my throat hurts


that is not a good thing


i got ish to do with this here voice of mine and i dont need no viruses messin this up


time for tea