i need to scream

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did you hear that?


im sure you could hear it in your head


that how i feel right now


im sure it would suffice to say that the past 24 hours have been some of the worst ive ever experienced

im not exaggerating

there was a funeral and a test i wasnt ready for and everything


so the emotions that i felt in the previous two blogs that i posted last night followed me into today

i didnt want to wake up this morning but of course i had to


got up about a half hour late


there was traffic on the streets on two of the three freeways that i take to school

needless to say i got to school late


i simply didnt want to be there at all


but i had to


i had the test and the funeral to go to


so i was there


after my test i went and practiced music for about an hour before concert choir then chilled with some friends before concert choir started

i guess that wasnt so bad...actually it was good...the highlight of my day now that i think about it

then concert choir...which was just whatever


but something happened during concert choir that would end up set off a series of events that would make my day even worse

i got a call from a friend and fellow chamber singer chris d'amico asking what time the funeral was and to ask mr mac if there would still be fermata rehearsal because of the funeral

i go back to class and ask mac and he says he's not sure yet so i wait until after concert choir and ask him again

he tells me to tell meeko (chris d'amico) and k-shan (kevin shannon, another fellow chamber singer and the student director of fermata nowhere) not to worry about it

sidebar: i hate this day...i really really do

anyways so i call meeko again and tell him that mac says not to worry about going to fermata cuz he wants people to go to the funeral

while this is going on my friend DeSean is complaining because he wants to still have fermata rehearsal

so i tell him dont worry about it you can still practice your music but the funeral is more important to some people

at this point avi is there standind across from me giving me an angry look

avi: "are you in fermata james? no. so be quiet you dont have any say in this."

i look at him confused

and apparently im not the only one

desean: "are you serious?"

avi: "yes. he's not in fermata so he doesnt have any say he should just shut up"

me: "avi what are you talking about? you dont even know whats going on."

avi: "yes i do."

me: "no you dont"

and this goes on for a little until he walks away

im still confused, a lil angry, and very hurt.


my friend kathy medina sees whats going on and is as confused as i am


kathy: "what was that all about?"

me: "i dont even know."

i explain the situation

kathy: "i dont get it. why was he overreacting like that?"

me: "i dont know. i need to get out of here. i cant handle this right now."

i walk out to go my voice lesson and in the hallway is a group of people surrounding avi

i catch a snippet of what he's saying but when he sees me he stops

avi: "hey james, thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

me: "what're you talking about? i wasnt trying to cancel fermata."

avi: "yes you were. thanks a lot for trying to cancel fermata

me: "what the hell? you dont even know what you're talking about."

people are giggling...i dont get whats so funny

avi: "thanks for trying to cancel fermata"

i walk away...i cant even handle this right now

i go my voice teachers office

steve always seems to know when something is wrong with me...always

steve: "whats the matter?"

me: "what do you mean?"

steve: "whats wrong with you?"

me: "nothing. just stressing out. can we make this quick i have a funeral to get to."

steve of course knows that im more than "just stressing out" so he just sits there and stares

i become overcome with emotion and i sit down on the floor and call kathy...the only person that i could think of

while im talking to her steve justs sits there and watches

i hang up

steve: "do you wanna just do two lessons next week?"

me: "i cant i already missed last week."

steve: "i know we'll do two next week and two the week after that."

me: "are you sure?"

he's sure

me: "thank you, i'll see you next week."

i go back to the choir room to see if kathy is still there

she is

i ask her to walk with me to car

she does

we walk in complete silence all the way down the parking lot

i make my way to the funeral stressing out

by the time i get there i know that its time for me to let go of my own problems and go support the family

even though funerals are sad by nature this one was very uplifting

matt orr was a very special person

after i leave the funeral i make my way to my cousins house because she needs me to drive her somewhere

even though i get to her place at like 5 we dont end up leaving until 9 because i end up falling asleep

funny how emotional stress can tire you out more than physical stress sometimes

as were making our way to our destination my cousin gets a call from my younger sister jessica

jessicas usual ride to school is unable to give her a ride and she wants my cousin to drive her

my cousin cant do it cuz she wont be in corona in the morning

shannie (my cousin): "...but maybe JR (thats me) will do it."

me: "i wont. she can walk. i had to walk. wendy (my older sister) had to walk. she can walk."

shannie: "she's probably gonna call your mother. you cant tell your mother that."

me: "you wanna bet? i'll tell my mother the same way i told you."

shannie: "well let me call your mother before she does."

she calls my mom and informs her of the situation

my mom wants to talk to me

mom: "do you have children?

me: "ummm...no"

i dont see the point

mom: "why would you say that you wont give your sister a ride to school?"

me: "because she doesnt need one. i had to walk. wendy had to walk. she can walk"

mom: "you act like you cant do me this one favor"

me: "thats not doing you a favor. that for jessica. she.can.walk"

mom: "well if you cant do me this one favor then if you ask me to do you a favor you know what the answer is gonna be"

me: "this has nothing to do with favors this is just another way to punish me for not doing something for your precious little baby"

we go back and forth for a little bit but apparently she doesnt wanna talk about it anymore and hangs up

ive come to the realization that my mother loves my sister more than she loves me.

not that she doesnt love me at all

she just loves jessica more

all of the signs point me to that conclusion

i cant see any other answer.

there are two other factors to why this day sucked but i really dont want to get into them

this blog is long enough

im done