i know! i know! its been 118 years since my last blog...and believe me it hasnt been without a lack of things to blog about.
i think the reason i dont blog so much is because i tend to use twitter.com/boomquiesha_j ;) as a mini-blog to hash out all of my problems big or small.
well, this has been an interesting year to say the least: friends have come and gone, gotten married, had babies, died :(, my family has continued to grow, blah blah blah anything you can think can happen prolly happened to me this year
ive just realized that i love my life. i may not always be content with it, but i love it. i wouldnt trade it but i would fix it figadylme? since when did loving something/one mean that there wasnt anything that you wish was different.
i love my friends and family, but there are things about most of them that i wish were different, and im positive that there are things about me that they wish was different ya?
so ya...love my life but would like to fix it.
i would love to be slimmer...my weight has been fluctuating like crazy...i had settled between 200 and 205 for the pass few months since summer but i feel it going up again...so with the new year im def gonna be focusing more on dropping below 200 and staying there.
i want to fall in love and be loved in return...i know that ive stressed this several times before but being in love is something that is very important to me. i see it all around me and see what it does to people good and bad...i want that...i'll take the bad with the good...im not sure what the point will be. just to say that ive done it i guess?? no. thats not enough. it'll prove that im worth something. which leads me to my next point...
i need someone at Mt. SAC to be my friend...my real friend...the type of friend that i see other people in the choral program have. the type of friend that doesnt forget to invite me when people hang out, as well as the type of friend that sometimes just wants to hang out with me sometime. i should be more specific and say i need someone in Chamber Singers to be that friend. cuz i have Alissa, and JAK, and other people that are my friends, but if you get down to it i spend the majority of my time with chamber...im supposed to be part of the chamber family, but for the past 2 years i have been excluded for reasons that i will never know or prolly understand seeing as how ive never done anything to anyone there but i have singled out as a person to be excluded from the chamber family. so ya...i want that...again, it'll prove that im worth something
of course you might say "what do you mean? youre worth something!" and i would agree
its complicated.
i know i must mean something to someone in the world
i obviously mean something to Jesus and God (seeing as how they keep doing things for me, even though i dont deserve it)
and to my parents and family (something about being blood related does something to people)
but thats not something you can always feel
i want to feel it and i dont think im asking for too much
and as a matter of fact i DO feel it during the summer and winter breaks when my peeps from HS are home...but what about at school. thats where i spend most of my time and energy...i want to feel like im worth something while im there...i wanna feel like i deserve what i get and that i get what i deserve yakno?
there's too much history there for me to describe...if you look through my blogs you might get an idea, but still
the gist of it is that i never feel like im good enough because know one makes me feel like im good enough.
so ya. thats what i want. to feel like im good enough. to feel like im worth it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
needs to get lost in something...
...cuz my own thoughts arent a good place to be.
idk
i get like this every once in a while...and sometimes im just being too dramatic...
but sometimes im definitely being shat upon.
it seems like no matter what i do...no matter how well i try to do in school, at work (except for not so much at raging waters), or at home it feels like all people do is try to find something to punish me for.
and, i know ive said this before, ive learned to expect it from people in the world...people just arent gonna like me for one reason or another...fine...ok...i got it.
but in my family...oh god my family...it seems like i cant do anything right. and they dont listen to me, so if by chance i am in the right they wont hear it...frustrating isnt it?? yes.
multiple things:
1. my mother...she isconstantly getting on me for one reason or another under the pretense of trying help me become a responsible adult. that might be her true intention...i dont know...but it certainly doesnt feel that way. it feels more like: i make a mistake, i get punished. punished, not taught, punished. for the hell of it. ex. i had a bit of trouble with the car (a whole other story within itself). the situation so wasnt my fault and i did the best i could to handle it...my one major mistake was not telling my mother about it when it happened, thinking it wasnt such a big deal. i apologized for it, multiple times. but that doesnt seem enough. no. now my mother thinks i shouldnt be able to just "take off in the car all willy-nilly" because of what happened. the car whose oil i got changed. the car i clean. the car i put gas in. i cant take it out when i want to because i need to learn how to treat it like i "respect it as [my] own property." if you knew the whole story about what happened you would see how that makes no sense at all...though the fact that i clean it and the oil and all that shit would be enough to tell you that she doesnt make sense.
2. my father...fact is i really should listen to him more instead of just blowin him off...however, a lot of his suggestions are presented as if they are law and i should just do it just because. ex. my father thinks i should put school on the backburner, get a 'real' job, and move out of my mothers house. cuz thats what he did. he left st. louis and never looked back. that worked for him. not me. that wont work for me. but he is constantly bringing it up as if its a crime that i havent done it yet.
3. my sister...which one, you ask? both of them. but for now lets discuss the older one. we have a special bond in that she owes me approx. $225 every other week for the time i put in taking care of her son. every once in a while she likes to decide that she doesnt like how things are done and how there needs to be a change. ex. today is pay day (PTL). she owes me $225 as previously discussed. she has decided that: 1. im not getting the whole thing because one night last week i had me nephew spend the night at his dad's mom's house so i could go out to see the midnight showing of HBP. that is the first time ive ever done that. any other night i stay home dutifully with my nephew...never able to go out or do anything. and 2. we need to rethink the whole arrangement because "there are things happening and things not happening that [she doesnt] like."
4. my extended family (including aunts, uncles, older cousins)...i am apparently a bad son and an all together failure as a person. i dont love and/or appreciate my mother because if i did i would be doing everything that they did for their mothers when they were growing up. ex. (bad son) my uncle came over to do something for my mother in the house and found some things that he thought shouldve been done. it just so happens that those particular things are chores that mother generally takes upon herself to do, a fact that i pointed out to my uncle...shame on me for having my own things to do around the house and at work and not wanting to do extra. i should show my mother i appreciate her by doing every single little thing that i see around the house that needs to be done (right, like i havent done that before.) ex. (failure as a person) why am i wasting my time at mt. sac studying music. im so smart and have so much potential and im wasting it and taking the easy way out. nothing upsets me more than that...really really really...i am searching for the next opportunity to go off on them...ive already done it on one (hmmm...maybe it was my dad)
everything im saying here is true, with the least exaggeration as possible.
so you can see my overall frustration with my life
idk
i get like this every once in a while...and sometimes im just being too dramatic...
but sometimes im definitely being shat upon.
it seems like no matter what i do...no matter how well i try to do in school, at work (except for not so much at raging waters), or at home it feels like all people do is try to find something to punish me for.
and, i know ive said this before, ive learned to expect it from people in the world...people just arent gonna like me for one reason or another...fine...ok...i got it.
but in my family...oh god my family...it seems like i cant do anything right. and they dont listen to me, so if by chance i am in the right they wont hear it...frustrating isnt it?? yes.
multiple things:
1. my mother...she isconstantly getting on me for one reason or another under the pretense of trying help me become a responsible adult. that might be her true intention...i dont know...but it certainly doesnt feel that way. it feels more like: i make a mistake, i get punished. punished, not taught, punished. for the hell of it. ex. i had a bit of trouble with the car (a whole other story within itself). the situation so wasnt my fault and i did the best i could to handle it...my one major mistake was not telling my mother about it when it happened, thinking it wasnt such a big deal. i apologized for it, multiple times. but that doesnt seem enough. no. now my mother thinks i shouldnt be able to just "take off in the car all willy-nilly" because of what happened. the car whose oil i got changed. the car i clean. the car i put gas in. i cant take it out when i want to because i need to learn how to treat it like i "respect it as [my] own property." if you knew the whole story about what happened you would see how that makes no sense at all...though the fact that i clean it and the oil and all that shit would be enough to tell you that she doesnt make sense.
2. my father...fact is i really should listen to him more instead of just blowin him off...however, a lot of his suggestions are presented as if they are law and i should just do it just because. ex. my father thinks i should put school on the backburner, get a 'real' job, and move out of my mothers house. cuz thats what he did. he left st. louis and never looked back. that worked for him. not me. that wont work for me. but he is constantly bringing it up as if its a crime that i havent done it yet.
3. my sister...which one, you ask? both of them. but for now lets discuss the older one. we have a special bond in that she owes me approx. $225 every other week for the time i put in taking care of her son. every once in a while she likes to decide that she doesnt like how things are done and how there needs to be a change. ex. today is pay day (PTL). she owes me $225 as previously discussed. she has decided that: 1. im not getting the whole thing because one night last week i had me nephew spend the night at his dad's mom's house so i could go out to see the midnight showing of HBP. that is the first time ive ever done that. any other night i stay home dutifully with my nephew...never able to go out or do anything. and 2. we need to rethink the whole arrangement because "there are things happening and things not happening that [she doesnt] like."
4. my extended family (including aunts, uncles, older cousins)...i am apparently a bad son and an all together failure as a person. i dont love and/or appreciate my mother because if i did i would be doing everything that they did for their mothers when they were growing up. ex. (bad son) my uncle came over to do something for my mother in the house and found some things that he thought shouldve been done. it just so happens that those particular things are chores that mother generally takes upon herself to do, a fact that i pointed out to my uncle...shame on me for having my own things to do around the house and at work and not wanting to do extra. i should show my mother i appreciate her by doing every single little thing that i see around the house that needs to be done (right, like i havent done that before.) ex. (failure as a person) why am i wasting my time at mt. sac studying music. im so smart and have so much potential and im wasting it and taking the easy way out. nothing upsets me more than that...really really really...i am searching for the next opportunity to go off on them...ive already done it on one (hmmm...maybe it was my dad)
everything im saying here is true, with the least exaggeration as possible.
so you can see my overall frustration with my life
Friday, July 10, 2009
i dont have much to say besides...
...i seriously considered suicide for the first time in a while...call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...
and not only that but also for not the first time i hoped that something really bad would happen to me to teach other people a lesson...again, call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...
tonight was a terrible night...absolutely horrible on a number of levels.
i dont have the energy to go into details...but this night was truly horrible...and when i came home after the events that caused me to leave in the first place...i realized 3 things that only made it worse: 1. he was home and awake. 2. she was awake. 3. my lil sister is an even bigger______ than i thought she was and i cant wait until she leaves.
do with that what you will.
i will say that i have never felt lonelier and more hurt in my life...
i owe two apologies to one person...everyone else can go away.
and not only that but also for not the first time i hoped that something really bad would happen to me to teach other people a lesson...again, call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...
tonight was a terrible night...absolutely horrible on a number of levels.
i dont have the energy to go into details...but this night was truly horrible...and when i came home after the events that caused me to leave in the first place...i realized 3 things that only made it worse: 1. he was home and awake. 2. she was awake. 3. my lil sister is an even bigger______ than i thought she was and i cant wait until she leaves.
do with that what you will.
i will say that i have never felt lonelier and more hurt in my life...
i owe two apologies to one person...everyone else can go away.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
you brought this on yourself sir.
i didnt tell you to cheat on your girlfriend. thats something you did all by yourself. and its not like i sought her out. she came to me. she asked me if i saw it. a simple yes or no question. i wasnt going to lie despite what my mother or anyone else says i shoulda done i wasnt gonna pretend like i didnt see anything. i saw it. she asked me. i answered. im sorry sir but you brought this on yourself. so you and your cousin can refrain from coming at me foul. grow up. you made a mistake. deal with it.
dear jesus,
check ya boi cuz he be trippin.
dear jesus,
check ya boi cuz he be trippin.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
the OTHER self-control fail...
...i talked to david.
zomg
that is strictly forbidden...
...i know she's gonna find out
and i know she's gonna kill me
shit.
zomg
that is strictly forbidden...
...i know she's gonna find out
and i know she's gonna kill me
shit.
Friday, March 6, 2009
hmmm...
so yesterday my mother, my sister, and i met with my father at miguels under the pretense of talking about jessicas college options. of course the conversation turned to me and what a bad son i am and how lazy i am and how im wasting my time and intelligence blah blah blah
it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.
however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.
apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy
i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.
and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.
they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary
but again thats not enough for them
and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is
its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong
LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.
it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.
however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.
apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy
i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.
and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.
they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary
but again thats not enough for them
and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is
its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong
LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
i need to get back to my life please...
these past couple of weeks have not been my life...they have belonged to some boring person with no friends and nothing to do. thats not me. i go places. i do stuff.
but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...
so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx
but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...
so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
no jeremy...
you are not like ryan
you had her heart
she did try to make it work...obviously
she did believe in you
but it wasnt meant to be
i wont have you making her out to be some heartless woman because she broke yours
you had her heart
she did try to make it work...obviously
she did believe in you
but it wasnt meant to be
i wont have you making her out to be some heartless woman because she broke yours
Monday, February 9, 2009
do it...soon
handle your shit my love cuz im tired of seeing you like this. we BOTH know how this is supposed to end.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
PHAIL!!!
lol mission (not) accomplished
though i knew already that it wouldnt work
it kinda gave him a tidgin of a freak out and thats always fun
im sure i played it off nicely with my usual "its not always about you"
ca-leh-ver
i know i am thanx
kthanxbye
though i knew already that it wouldnt work
it kinda gave him a tidgin of a freak out and thats always fun
im sure i played it off nicely with my usual "its not always about you"
ca-leh-ver
i know i am thanx
kthanxbye
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
"dont lead, cuz i wont follow"
therese...i'm going to live by these words
not just when it comes to my mother and father
but also to my aunts, uncles, and older cousins
but also to my "peers" at school
i WILL be myself so dont judge me or try to change me
i yam who i yam and thats all that i yam
get used to it or get gone
not just when it comes to my mother and father
but also to my aunts, uncles, and older cousins
but also to my "peers" at school
i WILL be myself so dont judge me or try to change me
i yam who i yam and thats all that i yam
get used to it or get gone
Monday, January 5, 2009
reunited and it feels so good
back at school today...woot!
i missed chamber and were singing some amazing music this semester
saw some people that i missed and then that one guy that its always nice to see ;)
have a cool speech professor: young, funny, not ugly
and i have the class with one of my best friends so that always makes things better
yay
i missed chamber and were singing some amazing music this semester
saw some people that i missed and then that one guy that its always nice to see ;)
have a cool speech professor: young, funny, not ugly
and i have the class with one of my best friends so that always makes things better
yay
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
