BLOOOOGGG????

i know! i know! its been 118 years since my last blog...and believe me it hasnt been without a lack of things to blog about.

i think the reason i dont blog so much is because i tend to use twitter.com/boomquiesha_j ;) as a mini-blog to hash out all of my problems big or small.

well, this has been an interesting year to say the least: friends have come and gone, gotten married, had babies, died :(, my family has continued to grow, blah blah blah anything you can think can happen prolly happened to me this year

ive just realized that i love my life. i may not always be content with it, but i love it. i wouldnt trade it but i would fix it figadylme? since when did loving something/one mean that there wasnt anything that you wish was different.

i love my friends and family, but there are things about most of them that i wish were different, and im positive that there are things about me that they wish was different ya?

so ya...love my life but would like to fix it.

i would love to be slimmer...my weight has been fluctuating like crazy...i had settled between 200 and 205 for the pass few months since summer but i feel it going up again...so with the new year im def gonna be focusing more on dropping below 200 and staying there.

i want to fall in love and be loved in return...i know that ive stressed this several times before but being in love is something that is very important to me. i see it all around me and see what it does to people good and bad...i want that...i'll take the bad with the good...im not sure what the point will be. just to say that ive done it i guess?? no. thats not enough. it'll prove that im worth something. which leads me to my next point...

i need someone at Mt. SAC to be my friend...my real friend...the type of friend that i see other people in the choral program have. the type of friend that doesnt forget to invite me when people hang out, as well as the type of friend that sometimes just wants to hang out with me sometime. i should be more specific and say i need someone in Chamber Singers to be that friend. cuz i have Alissa, and JAK, and other people that are my friends, but if you get down to it i spend the majority of my time with chamber...im supposed to be part of the chamber family, but for the past 2 years i have been excluded for reasons that i will never know or prolly understand seeing as how ive never done anything to anyone there but i have singled out as a person to be excluded from the chamber family. so ya...i want that...again, it'll prove that im worth something

of course you might say "what do you mean? youre worth something!" and i would agree

its complicated.

i know i must mean something to someone in the world

i obviously mean something to Jesus and God (seeing as how they keep doing things for me, even though i dont deserve it)

and to my parents and family (something about being blood related does something to people)

but thats not something you can always feel

i want to feel it and i dont think im asking for too much

and as a matter of fact i DO feel it during the summer and winter breaks when my peeps from HS are home...but what about at school. thats where i spend most of my time and energy...i want to feel like im worth something while im there...i wanna feel like i deserve what i get and that i get what i deserve yakno?

there's too much history there for me to describe...if you look through my blogs you might get an idea, but still

the gist of it is that i never feel like im good enough because know one makes me feel like im good enough.

so ya. thats what i want. to feel like im good enough. to feel like im worth it.