...i talked to david.
zomg
that is strictly forbidden...
...i know she's gonna find out
and i know she's gonna kill me
shit.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
hmmm...
so yesterday my mother, my sister, and i met with my father at miguels under the pretense of talking about jessicas college options. of course the conversation turned to me and what a bad son i am and how lazy i am and how im wasting my time and intelligence blah blah blah
it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.
however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.
apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy
i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.
and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.
they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary
but again thats not enough for them
and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is
its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong
LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.
it seems to really irk my father that i am being paid to be damarions primary care provider while while wendy works. cuz no real man would get paid to do that. according to him i need a real job where im out doing something with my life. school should come second. my primary objective should be working...all according to him.
however im quite fine with taking care of damarion and getting paid for it because in all reality even if i wasnt getting paid for it...with my mothers and wendys work schedule i would be doing it anyways. and the amount of money that im going to be getting will be enough to sustain me. its not something that will conflict with school...and despite what my father believes...school comes first for me...and despite what my mother believes school does not mean choir...yes choir is very important to me...but thats not the reason i go to school...its the reason i go to mt sac...but not the reason i go to school...so taking care of damarion works for me. its easy and it works.
apparently theres something wrong with that: the fact that its easy and it works. shame on me for finding something thats easy and works and not having a problem doing it. my mom who seemed to be fine with it until yesterday, apparently, doesnt want me to get to comfortable doing it cuz it will make me lazy
i dont see the problem with doing something that works for me right now. im 20. im in school. shouldnt be enough that im in school and im able to have some money at the same time?? apparently not. no i must always strive for more.
and dont get me wrong i see what they mean about not settling. but for now i need to take what i can get and roll with it. cuz i was unemployed for far too long.
they keep saying that they're trying to help me from experience but im not going thru the same thing that they were. when they were my age they were already married with a child to support. im not married and i certainly have no children so im in no rush to find some type of careerish stability. my primary goal is to finish mt sac so i can transfer to csulb (if thats where im meant to go) and graduate with my BA in music ed. thats what im doing. whatever odd job i have while im achieveing that is fine with me as long as i dont have to give up what im really doing to do it...cuz school is what im really doing...im not working...im learning...thats my primary goal...fulltime job not necessary
but again thats not enough for them
and it all stems from the fact that i go to mt sac...and my mother admitted that yesterdays conversation would not even have taken place if i had gone with the original plan and went to csulb right out of high school...cuz then the struggle to support me wouldve been worth it for her. but its not making sense cuz she's not paying anything but like 50 or dollars a semester...and if she didnt want to pay that then can force me to find some way to do it...as a matter of fact i DID pay that my first semester...but anyhow...because i decided to go to mt sac...i should be doing more than university students...cuz im apparently being lazy and choosing the easy way out...so says two people that have never studied music and dont know what it entails and therefore do not know how hard it really is
its just really frustrating...nothing i do is enough...and everything i do is wrong
LORD please help me NOT to be like my parents when i have my own children.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
i need to get back to my life please...
these past couple of weeks have not been my life...they have belonged to some boring person with no friends and nothing to do. thats not me. i go places. i do stuff.
but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...
so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx
but not since winter session got out...ive been stuck at home doing nothing but taking care of damarion...my life has been surrounding completely around him and has prevented me from escaping the confines of my house...its what i signed up for...but i dont like it...
so if you dont mind: i would like things to go back to normal...school and activities please...kthnx
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