needs to get lost in something...

...cuz my own thoughts arent a good place to be.

idk

i get like this every once in a while...and sometimes im just being too dramatic...

but sometimes im definitely being shat upon.

it seems like no matter what i do...no matter how well i try to do in school, at work (except for not so much at raging waters), or at home it feels like all people do is try to find something to punish me for.

and, i know ive said this before, ive learned to expect it from people in the world...people just arent gonna like me for one reason or another...fine...ok...i got it.

but in my family...oh god my family...it seems like i cant do anything right. and they dont listen to me, so if by chance i am in the right they wont hear it...frustrating isnt it?? yes.

multiple things:
1. my mother...she isconstantly getting on me for one reason or another under the pretense of trying help me become a responsible adult. that might be her true intention...i dont know...but it certainly doesnt feel that way. it feels more like: i make a mistake, i get punished. punished, not taught, punished. for the hell of it. ex. i had a bit of trouble with the car (a whole other story within itself). the situation so wasnt my fault and i did the best i could to handle it...my one major mistake was not telling my mother about it when it happened, thinking it wasnt such a big deal. i apologized for it, multiple times. but that doesnt seem enough. no. now my mother thinks i shouldnt be able to just "take off in the car all willy-nilly" because of what happened. the car whose oil i got changed. the car i clean. the car i put gas in. i cant take it out when i want to because i need to learn how to treat it like i "respect it as [my] own property." if you knew the whole story about what happened you would see how that makes no sense at all...though the fact that i clean it and the oil and all that shit would be enough to tell you that she doesnt make sense.

2. my father...fact is i really should listen to him more instead of just blowin him off...however, a lot of his suggestions are presented as if they are law and i should just do it just because. ex. my father thinks i should put school on the backburner, get a 'real' job, and move out of my mothers house. cuz thats what he did. he left st. louis and never looked back. that worked for him. not me. that wont work for me. but he is constantly bringing it up as if its a crime that i havent done it yet.

3. my sister...which one, you ask? both of them. but for now lets discuss the older one. we have a special bond in that she owes me approx. $225 every other week for the time i put in taking care of her son. every once in a while she likes to decide that she doesnt like how things are done and how there needs to be a change. ex. today is pay day (PTL). she owes me $225 as previously discussed. she has decided that: 1. im not getting the whole thing because one night last week i had me nephew spend the night at his dad's mom's house so i could go out to see the midnight showing of HBP. that is the first time ive ever done that. any other night i stay home dutifully with my nephew...never able to go out or do anything. and 2. we need to rethink the whole arrangement because "there are things happening and things not happening that [she doesnt] like."

4. my extended family (including aunts, uncles, older cousins)...i am apparently a bad son and an all together failure as a person. i dont love and/or appreciate my mother because if i did i would be doing everything that they did for their mothers when they were growing up. ex. (bad son) my uncle came over to do something for my mother in the house and found some things that he thought shouldve been done. it just so happens that those particular things are chores that mother generally takes upon herself to do, a fact that i pointed out to my uncle...shame on me for having my own things to do around the house and at work and not wanting to do extra. i should show my mother i appreciate her by doing every single little thing that i see around the house that needs to be done (right, like i havent done that before.) ex. (failure as a person) why am i wasting my time at mt. sac studying music. im so smart and have so much potential and im wasting it and taking the easy way out. nothing upsets me more than that...really really really...i am searching for the next opportunity to go off on them...ive already done it on one (hmmm...maybe it was my dad)

everything im saying here is true, with the least exaggeration as possible.

so you can see my overall frustration with my life

i dont have much to say besides...

...i seriously considered suicide for the first time in a while...call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

and not only that but also for not the first time i hoped that something really bad would happen to me to teach other people a lesson...again, call me overly-dramatic if you want to but i did...

tonight was a terrible night...absolutely horrible on a number of levels.

i dont have the energy to go into details...but this night was truly horrible...and when i came home after the events that caused me to leave in the first place...i realized 3 things that only made it worse: 1. he was home and awake. 2. she was awake. 3. my lil sister is an even bigger______ than i thought she was and i cant wait until she leaves.

do with that what you will.

i will say that i have never felt lonelier and more hurt in my life...

i owe two apologies to one person...everyone else can go away.