I'm sorry Cathy, but that was just weakness on your part

Your clever song lyrics do not change my mind...if anything they just annoyingly weaken my resolve to stop caring. Yes, I know, his smile can destroy an entire world if it wanted to, but I can't let that world be me. It was almost me. I'm trying to stay strong and withstand the fire. The rules DO apply, never have they applied more. So be quiet silly woman! You gave in to his smile, and look where it got you...I refuse to go down that same path.

Lyrics that I'm referring too:

True: i tend to follow on his stride, instead of side by side, I take his cue. True: but there's no question, there's no doubt, I said I'd stick it out and follow through. And when I do, he smiles, and where else can I go? I didn't know the rules did not apply...

From "A Part of That" from The Last Five Years

Ugh...forget it.

I was writing out this ridiculously long blog about how boys are dumb and how I'm more dumb for liking them and blah blah blah and then I held the backspace button on my iPod keyboard for too long and and it left the blog writing app and the app apparently doesn't save the blog while you're in the middle of writing it so now it's gone and I don't feel lime going through it again.

So...

...for the first time in a looonngg time in told a boy that I like, that I like him. (not Jean...haha never that). I was asked outright by Emilio if I liked him (after I retardedly/drunkenly tweeted that I loved him) and I (after thinking of how I would say it) told him that I do indeed have a crush on him. He asked me why...he doesn't think he's good looking poor thing. So I told him that I think he's adorable (something that has been apparent to me since we met in Arizona) and that he's smart, cute, and funny (all true). Aaanndd ummm...we've been texting ever since but that doesn't matter not one bit at all *crosses arms defiantly* (I refuse to get my hopes up [we're possibly hanging out on Friday {shut up}])

Ugh.

You stupid boy. You don't get it do you? I could be that one, that one that you want. I could love you. I could be there for you. We could be together and we could be happy. But, no, we can't. Because you're blinded by the rules. You're a victim to the society that we are a part of that frowns down upon someone like me. So you won't even look, you won't even try. Fine. But stop complaining about not having what you want, when you could have it if you weren't so stubborn.

I suppose...

...God knew exactly what he was doing when he introduced me to Big Macs when I was 9. He knew that I would get hooked on McDs and that I would get fat because of it. And now, because I'm fat and virtually unattractive, I will never get a boyfriend. Because the world we live in is so shallow. *cliche alert* I have a lot to offer a guy, but I won't ever get the chance because gays are so friggin shallow. I'm not saying I'm not, because I know I can be. But I also know that of I met someone who wasn't the most attractive, or didn't have the best body, but still had a great personality or we had a lot in common I would definitely give them the chance. But other gays, no the won't even give a second glance, they would never consider it...would never consider me. Because there's no way that I could be found attractive, which means there is no way I could be a good boyfriend. Because the two TOTALLY ALWAYS go together.

Sometimes I'm a big idiot

I do and say things without even thinking. And I do the aforementioned stupid things, I make people mad at me. I really need to start thinking about everything I do and say about 37000 times before I actually do and say them. Maybe that way people wouldn't, like, hate me, and then I would, like, keep friends.

I Wish I Was.

I wish I was Jaimey, instead of James. Life would be so much easier that way. My obsessive love of boys would be healthy and people would find it endearing, not weird. The extra weight would be ok because I would carry it well and dress just right to make it look good. I would be an awesome alto. People would think I was talented and would want to be my friend. I wouldn't be single, because boys would want me as much as I want them. I would be respected and loved, because as Jaimey, everything I am would be considered normal. I wouldn't fight with my parents because just trying would be enough for them, as long as I was in school and staying out of trouble they wouldn't care about helping out with money here and there.

Yeah, life would be easier if I was Jaimey. But I'm not, and life wasn't made to be easy.

Yet still, I wish I was.

Bad Day

You almost had an angry blog coming your way but I came home and took a much needed nap and now I'm calm (or groggy...)

But ya today was not one of my better days...I was just frustrated and annoyed throughout the entire day, which sucks cuz I was kinda excited to go back to school today cuz Mondays and Wednesdays are my favorites. Of course I shouldve known that being excited about it would be my downfall.

But like I said I'm fine now. I'm still positive that this is gonna be a good week :)

Certain Things Just Don't Make Sense

Remember back when I didn't have a job, so most of the time I didn't have any money? And how sometimes I couldn't put gas in my car or buy myself some food?

Those two go together. No job = no money = no gas and/or food

Ok, now do you remember when I was so excited when I got hired by the census? And then when I got rehired at Raging Waters? And do you remember that one day that I missed school for training, and then when I missed a FULL WEEK of school for training? Remember how that was like 3 weeks ago?

Doesn't 2 jobs = some money = some gas and food? And yet somehow I still have no money for gas and food. That doesn't make sense, right?

Ya I didn't think so.

Boys Boys Boys

Victor: every semester in concert choir there is a boy that catches my eye. It's never anything more than a cute little flirtatious crush but it always happens. This semester it's Victor. For the first part of the semester we sat next to each other and I was always kinda flirty (you know how I do) but I know that nothing is ever gonna come of it. I just think he's a cutie in a weird sorta way.

Emilio: there has been many a tweet about how this boy makes me feel. I just kinda smile when I think about him or when he texts me or when he tweets something witty. I first met him during the two weeks of Star Wars in Concert (still the best 2 weeks of my life) but I didn't really talk to him, I thought he was cute but nothing more than that. But then both of our choirs went on tour together in Arizona and on the last night there was a party and we started talking...it was nice. I realized he was more than cute, he's adorable. Smart, funny, talented. For the first week after we got back from tour we texted back and forth everyday. I kinda got my hopes up but, in my usual fashion, I let it go without saying anything. I sometimes think I'm over it...and then I sometimes think I'm not.

Jean: oh Jean. I can't help it. I used to think we could be perfect together...except for the fact that he's almost devastatingly attractive and I could never be good enough for him. We're both looking for the same thing, to love and be loved and all that. We both want the same kind of relationship. But like I said, I could never be good enough for him. I could try forever, and it would take that long, but I could never deserve someone like him. I went through a phase where I was actually really trying to get to a point where he might be interested but I realized it would never be enough...so I gave up...as usual.

I'm not a whore because I like 3 boys at once. I just see something in all 3 of them that I want, that could make me happy. And I wanna be happy.

Ok so...

Last night I kinda had a melt down...thus the melodramatic blog. I'm fine. God is working amazingly in my life.

That class that I thought I was gonna fail? I'll be fine. Kate (my history professor) allowed me to make up the exam that I missed no questions asked, even though I didn't exactly follow the procedure that she outlined...and I got an A...woooott!! And Kristina (my Italian professor) decided that, instead of taking the exam I missed in that class, she would just take the average if the first 2...so I got a B without even taking it! Double wooooott!!

And, though I don't know how I did on my theory exam from Wednesday, I feel better about it than I thought I would.

God is seriously so good...you shouldve seen me on Tuesday night...I was a mess! I just knew Wednesday was gonna be terrible...I seriously felt like everything was crashing down! But I prayed about it and He seriously came through big time. PTL indeed :)

Ugh. (life as of 5/5/10)

While people are graduating college, getting married, and having babies, I'm still at a JC with the prospect of failing my first class ever in the history of my life.

Ugh.